For the aye of the beholder

Some sights from around NZ
I harvested today
& others
that were gathered
over time

A web of connections

a web of spiders

a mirror of skied towers

a telling of truth

a ripple of black & brown sand

a ripple of roads

glowing stars on the shore

cooling bodies in the surf

steamy scenes from Rotorua

peaceful scenes on Auckland’s shores

a road that leads to …

… surprising places

Red faces without shame

Southern alps & stunning lakes

One for Julie


& a gift from a friend –
my name in Japanese.

This in turn is a wee gift to you



March 29, 2011. Uncategorized. 13 comments.

A waking dream

This afternoon I had a waking dream upon the beach.

I went there to get away from the computer & the article that was trickling out too slowly for my liking.

Right now, in the civilised sense of the world I am unemployed – a non-contributing member of the Society Party.

Yet in a different world, I’m working my ass off to break deeply embedded circular programmes, heal past pains, create new ways of SEEing (& of course fight the New World Order).

So anyway I’m walking along the shore up to my ankles in water, feeling & remembering things past & things present.

Every so often I seem to catch a tinge of red in the water & wonder if perhaps some chemical has been spilled.

About half way down the beach I hear words & return to the present moment to find that a woman walking past me is saying something – she has an Eastern European accent which makes it a little harder to understand.

But then it comes.

She is telling me that a bird is following me.

I look around expecting perhaps a little sparrow.  Instead I find a seagull hovering at shoulder height, almost within reaching distance. This is so very strange, I’ve never seen one fly close like this.

Yet somehow I don’t really take it in & turn & continue walking.

When I look back & it is still there following just behind, keeping pace with me.

It is so close that despite my short-sightedness I can clearly see it eyes – they seem very clear & kind & aware & still it follows.  I feel like it wants to land on me, it seems for all the world to be seeking a perch.

Does it somehow think I have food? Yet if I gave the impression I had food surely there would more than this lone seagull.

If I put out my arm I have the feeling it will land, it is so close.

In the end I stop & it flies on & lands on the ground just a little way in front.

I wait a little & then continue walking  – then it seems to take fright & flies off. The moments are gone, but the strangeness remains.

I remembered the sense of redness in the water as it swirled past my feet & reconnected with the dream I wrote about in my last article …

… where I had washed away the blood of a murdered girl.

Much of my thinking as I walked along the beach has been to do with my childhood past & wondering if it really makes a difference to go back & feel & attempt to heal?

In the aftermath of that dream, a dead bird (“maiden, young girl”) was found beneath my bed & seemed to represent a past self.

But now I have just been followed by a very alive bird.

I recall how my sister & I have had repeated unusual interactions with birds in the past couple of months – including two large birds flying inside her house at the same time,

… chickens turning up in my garden from god knows where & fantails flocking around my house.

As I walk along the beach I can’t get the feeling out of my head that the Eastern European woman who told me about the bird, is very familiar.

Somehow I seem to recognise her.

When the answer comes I feel that I must surely be inside a waking dream for she is the woman I think of now, when I consider the concept of the ‘rounded eye

All children need the benefit of what I like to call the rounded eye … that does not focus on & evaluate parts of our being [but] looks on unconditionally …  gives acceptance & heals the damage

You know when you have a dream & someone you know is in your dream, but they don’t look like how they normally do, yet you know it’s them?

Well you see that’s how I feel about this lady – she was the woman in my waking dream.

But she is a Czech actress who was caught in one amazing moment by Aferrismoon. This image is the most amazing example I have seen of the rounded eye (& quite possibly the loveliest image on the entire internet).

Somehow I understood that it was she who spoke to me on the beach.

But how could that be?  We know dreams work in mysterious ways.  But I was awake. So how can that be?

I really don’t know.

Nor do I know why this lone seagull followed me so closely & intensely for so long, but it most assuredly happened – if I had slept before I wrote this I think I would consign it to the dream world, especially with the after shocks

As I drove home I remembered how earlier in the day I had looked out of my kitchen window & my eye had been caught by a lone gull.  I was quite, quite mesmerised, & thought how ridiculous it is to think that he would merely be looking for food.  Purely & simply & majestically he was glorying in the wild winds …

… and I wished deeply then that I could feel what he was feeling.

At some point also on this day I’d felt inclined to listen to A-ha’s Hunting High & Low – although I didn’t watch the ewe-choob vid.  After my beach trip I confused my memories of the band A-ha with A Flock of Seagulls (hey they were both in the 80s & that’s close enough for me to get confused).  Anyway I took the time to have a look at the A-ha vid & found this striking image …

… a man turning into a bird & then soaring into the sky.

And of course there is the wee post I posted t’other day re the show with the Celtic Rebel.

Why oh why did I chose this picture?

Of the hundreds of pictures of birds available why did I have such a strong feeling to use this one of a seagull?

So that’s it – that’s my waking dream.

This strange crossing over of realities & dreamy worlds seems to be on the increase, well it does in my life, & the interactions with animals seem to be getting stronger & I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced similar strangeness & wonder.

Additional:  Just got this today – it was taken a couple of weeks ago by Aferrismoon,  a little way upstream from where he took the picture of the actress.

There is magic in the world now.

March 24, 2011. Uncategorized. 9 comments.

Visiting the mighty green one

If you are  not a frequent visitor to the Celtic Rebel or know not of his Path, I hereby post a link to the show we did together last night.

I think it was a good show – aimed at human beings & being human.

I am struggling with bronchitis & broken heartis (tho’ not of the relationship kind) at the moment – it seems it is time to change, heal, let go & move on.

It seems to be that way for a lot of people now.

Anyway I’ve got two ideas waiting in the wind – am waiting to see which one catches the updraft & then I shall proceed pronto with my next article.

In the meantime here is a link to the Alex & Alex Show if you fancy a listen.

March 22, 2011. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

The illusion mysteries of the once & future self

Yet the only real & lasting sense of self-worth
that a person can have is the feeling of
& for her essential self,
the sense of being real,
of doing what possibly she alone thinks appropriate
from Trapped in the Mirror

I thought the second part of this
mini-serious on truth
would be more …
errr poe-tic,

… but we are taking a detour.

I have to get personal or this just won’t make sense – I’ll try & keep it brief.

Over the last few months,  it has felt as if I was forcibly thrust back into the world of childhood …

A narcissist attempts to define his children’s reality.
He tells them what they are feeling & thinking,
in contradiction to what they really do feel & think

… & whilst there,  ingeniously forced to confront that which I had ingeniously avoided. The term ‘nightmare’ could be a good all-round adjective.

It was most interesting to me, that although arriving by a different route, my sister met me on the same track at the same time.

After way too many mis-taken years, ‘honesty’ was invited in to take tea with us.

My sister has been going to see a lady who hEARS her.

This lady introduced her to the concept of Narcissism & a book calledTrapped in the Mirror.

It should be understood that the narcissistic personality represents a serious malfunction, something that might be labelled an illness under the medical model.”

My sister quickly passed on the book to me because its words & my struggles to understand bore resounding echoes.  I was skeptical, but curious.

The result?


I have slept with this book by my pillow for the last few weeks, for the simple, magnificent joy of having understanding close to me. Now my nonsensical childhood makes sense.  Now so many of my foggy, round & round struggles in life are coming into focus.

After so very long I can let myself see.  I am told to let go trying to understand, because understanding isn’t possible.  At least not in the way I sought.

But a different kind of understanding awaits my summons.  If I will call honesty ‘home’ to me & allow it to see through my eyes – the healing can come.

If I call honesty – it will find me

Imagine being raised in a room in which all the walls are distorted … & they continually change their shape ever so slightly.  The only window is a narrow slit set high up & containing distorting glass … this is what happens to your perception when you live with a narcissistic parent.

Shortly after I started reading this book, I had an intense dream where two young girls are murdered.  The first time there is so much blood in the street.

The second murder takes place in my home – there is blood all over the carpet – way too much blood – I can’t bear to see it & throw a bucket of water over it – it fades, but when the CSI team come, I speak up & tell them what I have done.  I wake & realise  that my dream has shown me what I could not face – the long ago soul murder of two small girls – my sister & myself & how I covered it up.

I get out of bed & find the cat has been sick on the carpet – I have to clean it up – my dream crossing into reality.  Directly after this, I find the body of a ‘bird‘ (“maiden, young girl”) lying on the carpet under my bed – the cat has been busy indeed turning dreams into reality.

A few days later I find a needle lying on the floor where the bird lay.   It returns a memory to me – a stab of pain as I cross the carpet in my childhood home.  I can hardly walk, but nothing can be seen.  A few days later an x ray shows a needle embedded in my foot.  The willingness to feel & see now, allows me interpret that event as a truly living metaphor – my sole (soul) had been pierced.

Why am I telling you this?

Partly because I think our life-lived is language

We have been telling ourselves stories
for a very long time,
… but we have not been listening.

The body speaks about emotional states that the mind cannot understand.

There’s a change in the air.
Can you feel it?
The stories are coming quicker & faster now.

Mostly I am writing this because of the liberation that has come through digesting the concept of Narcissism.

I had thought it simply described a person who was self-absorbed, selfish, dictatorial – the kind of person you might have to work with, but definitely would not associate with.

I was wrong.

The narcissistic parent is one who brings a child into the world & then systematically denies him or her the right to life.  In a sense, they devote themselves to the eradication of their children as human beings – they nullify & void them.

Any pennies dropping yet?

They should be because the concept of narcissism fits so chillingly into the first part of this series.

You see it now seems so very clear (to me)
… in the (very)  beginning

the original ‘trapped man in the mirror‘ was …
ovahian narcissist

Narcissism is closer to parasitism … [It] allows me to use you as if I exist in singular perfection & you are there to serve me. A narcissist feeds on his children but his children do not receive reciprocal benefit.”


The serpent tempts the woman to eat from the tree of knowledge,
telling her that it will make her more like God and it will not lead to death

The child of a narcissist is raised to feel guilty for desiring independence.”

Despite his grandiosity, the narcissist is remarkably thin-skinned, forever taking offence & feeling mistreated especially when people appear to have eliminated the extras in response to him.”

So what is there to back up this heretical statement that Jehovah was indeed a narcissist?

Well it’s right there in black & white in the Black & White Bible Show:

And the $100, 000 give-away clue?

These words:


“The narcissistic parent wants to be beyond criticism, to be mirrored as a god.  The obedient child surrenders his awareness.

This is what Narcissists do – they see/make their children into an extension of themselves – they simply cannot tolerate individuality.

Not only do narcissists see things … at deviance from reality, which is common in all disturbed people, but they insist that you see things in this way too.  They insist because every difference in your perception is experienced as an attack upon themselves. They methodically wipe out their children’s attempts to develop their own perceptions.”

They cannot handle disobedience.

When we live the defensive life, our energy is tied up in defensive structures & we cannot know the self.

Or choosing your own path.

Or any form of independence.

The efforts of the slave must not be noticed, while he gives royalty its due.

Let us re re-interpret the Garden of Eden story, so that yet another layer is revealed.

Well you surely don’t think one explanation is enough?

Where’s the fun in that?  We are being creators here.  If you’re up for it we’re going to take some bible stories & turn them into re-parables for the re-pairing of body & soul

For today only & for the low, low price of $29.95
(to be paid directly into my narSwisstic bank account),
we are going to give ourselves
some new stories

A common problem for children of narcissists is that … we do not know when we are actually being mistreated since we accept suffering as a means to winning favour.”

Looking with my newer, clearer eyes, combined with years (& years) of experience, I’m going to have to call out JehovaJa Way, JGod (call him what you will) as a rampaging narcissist.

Hmmm… how do I say this?
Oh yes, I think this will do …

The being in the Bible was a soul murderer!!!

In his mind, he is the center stage & other people are mere shadows …  This creates a new conundrum: “How do I get fed without acknowledging the feeder?

This makes his children – aka humanity – aka you & me – the children of a narcissist.

Now the ‘children of narcissists’ who will to heal, have very difficult work to do now.

Children of narcissists are raised to be believers.  Fighting free of the narcissistic influence, they become overly suspicious.  The next step is to develop our own judgement & to change what in our understanding is proved false.”

I want to paint you a new picture of Jesus.  Maybe you won’t like me very much afterwards, or maybe  it will help you.

I know not if the lad existed, but I grew up a Catholic & as a child believed in him 100%.  I know there is much talk of the bad old God of the Old Testament, but really it just won’t do to stop there.

Jesus, you will remember starred in the re-make of the Bible – the brightier, cheerier, lovier-dovier version.

Or did he?

Look who was caught candidly looking on, in the background of his demise.

His narcissistic father.

Tell me this – “Why in God’s name would a father allow require his own son’s death?”

Looking down the Narcissists Guide to Capital Punishment, we find that JC crossed too many lines;

He was too independent (Guilty)

Walked his own path (Guilty)

Was too much of a free-thinker (Guilty)

And yet, and yet …

… perhaps he was NOT ENOUGH of a free-thinker to break the soul-murderous grip of a narcissistic parent.

Perhaps Jesus was very real & very, very nice & wise, yet no matter how wise, loving or kind he was, loyalty, once given to a narcissistic parent will kill, if they demand it be so.

“The child … cannot let himself see that his parent may lack the ability to love“.

Now if our SAVIOUR suffered & died at the hands of a narcissist, where does that leave us?

It is not enough for children of narcissists to follow the marked trail that others lay before them.  Strength develops out of fighting with our handicaps.  We evolve from struggling to cope with our difficulties.

My son made a very interesting point when I discussed this idea with him – he pointed out that if Jesus was the son of a narcissist then he might very well have been fat.  Obesity is a quite common among children of narcissists, it is their protective barrier.  Would Jesus still be your saviour if he had a weight problem?

Rebellion can trigger growth, but only if it is a jumping off place to further development.”

While I’m here I feel it is very important to call LOYALTY into question.

SO very important.

Without a sense of personal value, they do not recognise the misery that submissive fealty brings.”

Tell me this … “If you love someone, do you need to give them your loyalty?

If you said ‘yes‘ …

… could you please go & hit your head on this brick wall, continuously, until some sense is restored.

The narcissistic parent lives on within the mind of the adult … the habit of agreeing with the parent become ingrained

OK, shall we try that again?

If you love someone, do you need to give them your loyalty?

Of course not.

They have your love!!!  What on earth would you not do for them?

From what I have seen/felt in my own life, loyalty creates some kind of  binding soul-contract.

Here’s someone else who’s painted a picture for you.

Yes that’s lovely … now if you could just sign on the dotted line …

Loyalty takes the thinking, feeling & growing out of humanity & replaces it with a prescription of obedience.

Quite simply, it’s a drug.

Speaking of drugs;

narcissus “type of bulbous flowering plant,” 1540s, from Latin …

… from Gk. narkissos, probably from a pre-Greek Aegean word, but associated with Gk. narke “numbness” (see narcotic) because of the plant’s sedative effect.”


narcotic (n.)… (early 14c.), from M.L. narcoticum, from Gk. narkotikon, … “making stiff or numb,” from narkotos, verbal adj. of narcoun “to benumb, make unconscious“.”

The word numb in Latin being narké or nárkissos is linked to the Narcisuss due to the toxicity and chemical content of the sap which can induce numbness.

What I see in the world today is numbness – soul-slumbering numbness.

I’m wondering how much of this numbing can be traced to Biblical Parenting – we blame TV now, but just how much of an effect did the Bible have on our predecessors?  How much did it open us up for what was to follow?

Could the modern programming really have taken such a hold if we hadn’t already been ‘well prepared’ or tenderly marinated by the  dirtiest, sneakiest, con trick in the whole of the Bible – one that even the atheists fell for.

Actually it’s damn interesting how every culture seems to have absorbed this one particular progra-meme – inserted insidiously & ingeniously within  Ten Commandments.  You do realise there was only ever two commandments – the rest were camouflage.

Shall I give you a clue?

Will you even try & figure it out?

Leaving aside the first Commandment which adds much weight to this article’ assertion that God is a narcissist

Being the one true God, He alone is to be adored, and all rendering to creatures of the worship which belongs to Him falls under the ban of His displeasure.”

… we are left with eight others that keep the mind busy while the real meme of the whole exercise is super-cunningly inserted.

Well ….

Come on!!!  It’s obvious, it’s numero V for Venge debtor

Finally, parents being the natural providence of their offspring, invested with authority for their guidance and correction, and holding the place of God before them, the child is bidden to honour and respect them as His lawful representatives.

Here lieth the bullshit.  Here is the most destructive meme on the face of the earth.

Only a fucked up humanity would require Commandemnts in the first place,  BUT if  directing was necessary then this is what should have been instructed;

Honour thy children.  Honour they Daughter.  Honour thy Son.  For thou knowest that a child who is honoured will become an adult who can honour & nurture others & thus ALL generations will be cared for unto the end of time.”

I wonder how many hackles just went up with that?  It never fails to amaze me how deeply embedded is the vile notion that kindness to children will SPOIL them.

Self must be found.”

Do you not understand that children are the greatest teachers on the face of this earth?

The parent cannot allow his child to be an independent being … what if you are doing something … he cannot do himself.”

Now ummm ….. what have we been taught to do to great teachers?

Ah yes,

yes, yes, I know about them …

but I meant

How have we been taught …

to deal with them?

Ah yes … I remember

Once the damage has been done it’s a whole lot easier to get the adult victim to swallow a death sentence – just ask Socrates.

We need to find our unique opinion. We need perseverance to overcome the problem of self-unknowing.”

English, the Master Crafters language, wittingly or unwillingly gives us in-sights into the children that come through you, but belong not to you:-

Son /


Daughter /

d’Or (Fr. Gold)  Tor
Door (in the ) Tor

Ok I cheated by using French – but the French word for gold ‘or‘ is tucked very niftily into many an English spell.

To improve a self mangled by rejection & improper use we have to experiment with being.”

Now lets look at the parents.


pare   “to trim by cutting close,” early 14c., from O.Fr. parer  …  Generalized meaning “to reduce something little by little” is from 1520s

All children need the benefit of … the rounded eye … that does not focus on & evaluate parts of our being [but] looks on unconditionally …  gives acceptance & heals the damage

RENT (in twain)

rent    “torn place,” 1530s, noun use of M.E. renten “to tear, rend”.”

Why have I been so hard on the Bible & it’s ‘leading man’?

Well the pair of them are the cornering twin-stones of the Western World, a narcissistic offspring of the most ruthless kind where the Land of Self has no importance.

Adherence to a gluey, assimilating, mass de-consciousness is ALL & individuality is as feared as cancer & receives similar treatment.

Children of narcissists need to dare to have their own ideas & goals.”

I have a feeling that the child lives on in the body.  That it IS the body.  Constantly telling stories but just as we do not listen to, or honour, children neither do we listen to or honour the body.  It speaks, but we drug, beat, numb or abuse it down.

Lesson Number 5.

Because we have been trained to forever look behind us, we keep tripping over our own feet …

… as long as we must look back & up to our parents, what use are our eyes on the road forward?

It is our obligation to look ahead.”

In this retelling of the Garden of Eden story, I can look at Eve & see her utter rejection by her father – she called healthily for her independence & was summarily sacrificed.

When men shake their heads over the apparent vagaries of women, I do not think they understand how so many were denied the warmth of father in their lives.

This fractures us.

All children need the benefit of … the rounded eye … that does not focus on & evaluate parts of our being [but] looks on unconditionally

You think we women go looking for “the one” – the perfect Prince Charming atop his trusty steed.

But you are misinformed.  Mainly we are seeking to heal from the original fracture – we seek, if even for just a little time, to be ‘the one’ – the receiver of the ‘rounded eye‘ so that we can heal the wound.

With her boyfriend as a stand as a stand-in, she works for & awaits her father’s unavailable love.”

I believe this wounding is behind a great deal of the animosity women have towards other women – a girl brought to womanhood with enough masculine warmth & attention does not need to be the one, for she is already warmed & whole.

If narcissism was translated into a temperature it would be ice-cold.

Is it a coincidence that the opening spell of narcissism – ‘narci’ sounds so like Nazi?

I’m going to leave you with a tale from Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb – the source of every quote in green in this article.  I’m pretty sure that those who’ve experienced narcissism on a daily basis will find the tale exquisite, others will probably find it horrible.  I am very pleased to say that my son thought it awful, while I, wretched person that I am, clapped my hands in delight at the beauty of the message contained within. (Added later: apologies to silly people who follow the news – apparently there are real life scenarios out there that may echo the following story, I didn’t know about them till 10 minutes ago – but I choose to let this story stay – if you’re of the tsk tsking variety please just walk away now).

A mother bird was able to fly only one of her four babies at a time across the ocean.  She put a fledgling on her wing & said, “When I am old, will you fly across the water with me on your wing?” “Oh yes, Mother,” said the birdie out of love.  Mother took this baby out over the ocean & dropped it in.

She went back for the second & asked the same question.  “Mother, I love you so much that I will save you.”  The second birdie followed the first into the drink.

Mother dropped the third one to drown for the very same reason & approached her fourth.  Asked what this birdie would one day do when it was grown & she was old, it answered, “Oh Mother,  forgive me.  I love you so much but when I am your age I shall have my own young to carry across the sea.”

This baby was carried to the farther shore.”

Most often in the animal kingdom it is the mother, the feminine energy that nurtures, teaches & then in no uncertain terms ejects her children OUT into the world.  No payment is ever required.  The children honour the parent & life by extending the same quality of care to their offspring.

When the child is honoured, the world must exist in harmony.

Pretty bloody obvious really.

March 10, 2011. Uncategorized. 52 comments.