the agony & the fuckery

O sad wind, add your snow-song to my grief,
and shade the pale sunbeams;

mourn softly in your shroud of solemn clouds
for my dead dreams.

I feel the winter breathing cold and grey,
and glad would I forget;

but the sad ghosts in the graveyard of my mind
remember yet.

 The Wyndcliffe~Louise Lawrence

~  ~  ~

I don’t wish to overwhelm you with sorrow.

But you’ve been had, you know.

An armada of …

… recipes-for-happiness have connived convinced you that sorrow is depressing.

That is not a healing attitude.

The library shelves near me seem only to recognise sorrow as a response to death-loss.

But at last I stumbled upon one with deeper understanding …

Unresolved grief is like a low-grade fever

For those unable to make peace with their pain, there was a gradual diminishment of their life force … it was not just the most recent griefs that underlay their intermittent depression & dysfunction but the imprint of losses long past-yet still painfully present

innumerable unacknowledged losses that cause the scarring & callousing that numb our surface … close us down

Ahhh yes this is music to the ears. I continue.

What odd creatures we are that when the heart aches most, calling to us most directly to attend to it’s pain, we may be least likely to do so … The unwillingness to touch our pain with mercy, even with forgiveness… We construct labyrinthine defenses & a moat around our heart …

Whoa … what just happened there?

Where did that inner growl come from?

I retrace my word-steps …

And there it is:

The unwillingness to touch our pain with mercy, even with forgiveness

I’ll explain in a minute.

Meantime I need to lay some ground work.

The writer of the above is an expert on pain & suffering.

Expert – “someone who interrupts the simple flowing of life with facts, complexity & learned condescension” (ok, ok I made that up)

This particular expert has years of experience …

… helping people die …


He’s not alone.

Hmmm, do you think you have to do it well because you only get one chance?

Or is it to be a new Game Show?

Better not fuck it up then I guess!

Today’s hospice/grief workers have the air of yesterday’s Mother Teresa, or yesteryear’s holocaust survivors.  Untouchable because media-enhancedsuffering fashioned them that way.

I’m unimpressed fucked off.

Why do these wonders of humanity not ask why so many people have to be carted off to hospices (to die well) in the first place? Why so many bra-damaged, breastless women?  Why so many overly-prostrated men?

Why so many legally chemo-poisoned people?

What hypocrisy is it that honours deathers while making a mockery of health & life?

If a society worships dying, then that loyalty is certainly going to block the recognition of ummm … anomalies:

The hospice nurses come once a day and do a quick checkup. About the only comfort they offer is to up his dose of morphine if he’s having breakthrough pain

Why is the abuse of animals a much more sensitive issue in America, and more important than inhuman, treatment of real human beings. Specifically the Terminal, the Sick and the Elderly?

These groups of people are targeted and funneled into Hospice (the silent killer) to cut Medicare cost

The Institution of Hospice has grown away from its original purpose, taking on a dark agenda, devouring the terminally ill and feeding off the vulnerable, the sick and the elderly by any means necessary. Including seductive kick-backs for hospice referrals

What’s so unbelievable is the way that hospice can convince people they are doing ‘good’ and ‘mercy’ for their loved ones. It appears to me that they use a type of forceful brainwashing where they take the family at their most vulnerable time, convince them the only way the patient won’t suffer is by using hospice, and lie to them about what is actually happening …. With such an ‘ad campaign‘ in the newspapers and elsewhere, I don’t know how to begin to make people understand what hospice is doing

Show me someone who venerates life these days & I just might kiss their shoes – well I’d be on the ground already, having fainted by the proximity of such a rare human.

Can you tell my why death …

…  has become such an idolized passed-time?

Or why the media has run so hard & so fast with certain people & their (often unproven) ideas?

And while there is no doubt Kübler-Ross made an important contribution to the treatment of dying patients … she also contributed to a kind of cultlike reverence for the allegedly superior truth-telling wisdom of the dying (and later the dead as well) …

…  a sentimentalizing of mortality that’s become incorporated into popular culture and can be seen as the source of such death-obsessed dramas as …

Touched by an Angel and Dead Like Me—and series like Six Feet Under and the proliferations of CSIs, in which the dead body is fetishized as a catalyst for truth telling.

She began identifying herself as a “scientist” … and declared that the dying process (and then the grieving process, too) …

… had those famous five stages … She became a saintly icon, the Queen of Death.

… her alleged “science” of Death ‘n’ Dying lives on in all its meretriciousness, rarely challenged any more. According to Kübler-Ross, there’s a right way and a wrong way to die, a sober responsible Five Stage Way. Forget “Do not go gentle into that good night” by that alcoholic Welshman Dylan Thomas. You better go gentle, buster, you better die the New Age Way or you’ll never appreciate how beautiful death can be … a culmination of Kübler-Ross’ love affair with death.

We must constantly be staring death in the face … or we’re really not living life … Part of this ideology was rooted in the overheated overrated polemic by the Freudian Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death …

… in which he blamed all of civilization’s problems on its unwillingness to stare death in the face. (One could argue that all civilization’s achievements were accomplished by those who didn’t have time to dwell on the obvious fact that they were going to die.)

But is denial always a bad thing? Must death be regimented so it loses its mystery? …  Are we in denial if we don’t watch every terrorist beheading video or gaze repeatedly at the descent of those who jumped from the World Trade Center towers?”  Link

I’m tired of reality lies.  Aren’t you?

Mother Teresa was not a friend of the poor. She was a friend of poverty …  She said that suffering was a gift from God

Mother Teresa has collected many, many millions (some say: billions) of Dollars in the name of India’s paupers …  Where did all this money go? It is surely not used to improve the lot of those, for whom it was meant …  “The suffering of the poor is something very beautiful and the world is being very much helped by the nobility of this example of misery and suffering,” said Mother Teresa

The legend of her Homes for the Dying has moved the world to tears. Reality, however, is scandalous: In the overcrowded and primitive little homes, many patients have to share a bed with others. Though there are many suffering from tuberculosis, AIDS and other highly infectious illnesses, hygiene is no concern

Teresa emitted a continual flow of promotional misinformation about herself. She claimed that her mission in Calcutta fed over a thousand people daily. On other occasions she jumped the number to 4000, 7000, and 9000. Actually her soup kitchens fed not more than 150 people (six days a week) … She claimed that her school in the Calcutta slum contained five thousand children when it actually enrolled less than one hundred.

Teresa claimed to have 102 family assistance centers in Calcutta, but longtime Calcutta resident, Aroup Chatterjee, who did an extensive on-the-scene investigation of her mission, could not find a single such center

So where’d all this money go anyway?  … Take one guess. Straight into the Vatican’s pocket

Anyway sorry, that may have been more than a minute.

So where was I …

Ah yes, that sentence …

The unwillingness to touch our pain with mercy, even with forgiveness

The experts tell us that we run from pain, that we fear it.  Yet all is not lost, for with their help we can overcome it.

I’m sure that among the mountain of profit prophets there are well-meaning people, but I think they’re all pretty damn useless.


“What if the West is (& always has been) a place of great sickness?”

What then?

Exactly whereabouts inside this sickness would you find this fantastic healing?

How does one leper heal another?  Hoe does one blind person lead another?

What if it is impossible to find health within the West?

What then?

What if the very tools we were given

… the English language, religion, logic, science, facts, education, medicine, mechanisation etc. actually constitute implements of death?

Right now, it seems we are being shown …

… that every road leads Westward…

… to death.


How hard would it be to set up a civilisation?  To wash the brains of a group of people so well that they believed themselves the most advanced race the world had ever known.

What if the truth was a whole lot sicker?

*** The West is a highly infectious & terminal illness ***

Symptoms include:

  • Apathy
  • Breast enhancement
  • Cancer Research
  • Drug addictions
  • English language
  • Facebook
  • Google
  • Hollywood
  • Identity insanity
  • Joylessness
  • Katie Perry
  • Logic
  • Media
  • Nonsense
  • Oprah
  • Qualification obsession
  • Roman Catholicism
  • Spongebob
  • Terror twaddle
  • Uniformity
  • Vaccinations
  • Wasting life
  • X-rated mind pulping
  • Yahoo
  • Zionising Trumpery

As you would expect with terminal disease, the closer one gets to the end, the deadlier the symptoms & …

… the greater the fascination with dying.

From where I am seeing, the proof that we live in terminal disease is … everywhere.  One of the deadliest symptoms currently being presented is the belief that:

Living is a crime.

A couple of weeks ago I was in the company of a good man.  A year ago his kidney was executed for malingering with intent.  After which he was judged eligible for radiation parole.  Follow up monitoring has shown that two lumps in his lung have now become four … but he’s to relax & leave it six months before more testing.

I know that living is a crime because he’s been judged fit for work & excreted back into the laboured FORCE.  When he finishes his slave-day he’s too tired to do what he loves.

He is a sculptor.


if & when he gets his death sentence, he is going to pack in the slaving & do what he loves with the time he has left. I swear it sounded like that’s what he wanted.

With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising

When someone with so much talent is returned to the ‘plantation’ just to keep the system running – I know the world I live in, is sick.

When someone that talented is unable to envisage a way to take back his life – I know the society I live in is very sick indeed.

Have you noticed that the only time in the West when it’s ok to live, is when you’re dying?

Have you noticed what an “insect” you are (apologies to insects) while you live, yet should you be murdered, no expense will be spared to bring your killer to justice …

… unless of course you were murdered
for your own good.

Have you noticed how crazy it makes people when you attempt to take back your life?  How upsetting for them if you leave your job, begin creating, or hone your personal gifts & then give them back to the world without trying to turn a profit?

I know the West is a terminal disease because …

… it’s  knowledge comes from death.

I know the West is a terminal disease because …

… it crucified Ma.

I know the West is a terminal disease because  …

… it murdered its own future.

And I know the West is a pathological illness because it …

makes a killing out of lies & disinfo.

Obviously I can’t claim to know THE Truth because I’m not an Expert. Yet today I’m playing seriously nonetheless.

I find the concept of the West as incurably diseased to be exceptionally liberating …

When you know you can’t fix something …

… you are freed to let go & walk/create a different path.

Truth, or our perception of it, is a function of our limited, culture-bound understanding … The best we can do is hope to rise above our culture as much as possible … to see our biases, challenge themwillingly allow our view of the world to shatter as our biases knuckle under the blows of scrutiny” ~ Sydney Ross Singer

~  ~  ~

Sorry, I see I diverged from the …

Original Growl yet again …

now where did I leave …

… that sentence?

Ah yes …

The unwillingness to touch our pain with mercy, even with forgiveness

If we’re going to walk a different path, we do need to see where we’ve been had by our culture.

First off:

WE ARE NOT (& never have been)




our pain.

To get closer to truth you’re going to travel in the opposite direction

It looks something like this

The truth is that we strive relentlessly to reconnect to our pain
(and always have).

These years that I have been writing, have been in part, an ongoing attempt to reconnect with old, but not passed, pain.

I have felt like someone who returned to their village to find it devastated … I think everyone is dead but I’m not sure because huge iron railings have been constructed all around it & I cannot get in.  I want to see if anyone still lives, if not I want to grieve & bury those I loved with dignity.  Then I want to see what memories have been left that I may take away with me.

But I can’t get in.

So instead I prowl like some bizarre zoo animal trying to break into its cage, rather than out.

When we are locked out of our sorrow, we become homeless:

I was six years old when my mother died, & my father chose not to tell us the truth … Every time I would ask the family about her, they would cry, so I stopped asking … I’m going to be forty-two this year, & there is a first grader still inside me who can hardly read but is expected to keep the end of the world to herself.
And because of the conspiracy of silence in my family, I lived a lie for most of my youth.  I lost track of my life

That story is hugely telling.  At the same time, for this article, it does us a disservice. For it ties sorrow back into death-loss & I do so want to cry out that sorrow is a million & one happenings beyond love & death.

Where the wounding comes, where the West gets deadly terminal, is in shutting out the mourning.

For always with mourning comes light, healing & understanding:

Through the blackest night, mourning gently tiptoes, feeling its way to dawn”  ~Robert Brault

Weeping may go on all night, but in the mourning there is joy” ~Psalm 30:5

Sadness flies on the wings of the mourning and out of the heart of darkness comes the light”  ~Jean Giraudoux

You can only come to the mourning through the shadows”  ~J.R.R. Tolkien

For what human ill does not dawn [mourning] seem to be an alleviation?”  ~Thornton Wilder

It is NO coincidence that morning & mourning are twinned sounds.

Shakespeareknew (of course), & fucked about with it (as usual):

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardon’d, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo

That’s a load of bollocks, Willie!

Mourning re-calls life

It was the lark, the herald of the morn …
I must be gone and live, or stay and die” ~Romeo & Juliet

* Bollocks alert* * Bollocks alert*

If you wish to live you must stay with the mourning.  Just look at Romeo – he ran away & died.

The lark will tell us:

The lark is a positive image of life reawakening in the morning

In many different cultures and eras, the lark and the lotus each have stood as powerful symbols of creation and strength. Their delicate beauty belie great transformative powers

Looks to me like the terminally ill West seeks to put out the light of morning – I wonder why?

You’re not in the East, okay ?
You’re not in China. This is the West. The sun doesn’t rise here, it sets here

This is the West, not the East. The sun may rise where we come from… but here is where it sets” ~Shanghai Noon

It looks as if Shakespeare, like Kübler-Ross, had a love affair with death …

… especially that of women.

Mind you “Shakespeare” was one of the founding fathers of the West & the West does seem to have an allergic reaction to life – women of course have a nasty habit of bringing forth & nurturing life.

Meet Dawn / Aurora / Eos – a Mother of Mourning – who ushers the world & it’s people back to life/light

Why would the terminally ill West seek to put out the light of mourning?

This is the West. The sun doesn’t rise here, it sets here

A light of Dawn was put out on Samhain (1st Nov) 2006 …

The Celtic year was divided into two seasons: the light and the dark, celebrating the light at Beltane on May 1st and the dark at Samhain on November 1st. Therefore, the Feast of Samhain marks one of the two great doorways … The Celts observed time as proceeding from darkness to light because they understood that in dark silence comes whisperings of new beginnings, the stirring of the seed below the ground

Strange isn’t it – the suffocation of two literary women who symbolised the dawn.

Through the blackest night, mourning gently tiptoes, feeling its way to dawn

What I want to suggest is that mourning can is meant to, return us to life.

Now this should be a hideous thought for many of you.

And there’s a damned good reason for that.

You see
you & me
have been very cleverly
conditioned to …

our own
emotional pain.

You think
you fear it
you’ve been told so,
many thousands of times.


How often have you been betricked & betrayed by your civiliesation?

So lets look at what first.

What am I talking about?

I’m talking about the thousand pains we carry with us on a daily basis – the hurts that once cut so deep they sliced through to our bones & then went on to fester because we never stopped to tend them.

Had we taken the time to clean & stitch & bandage our wounds they would have healed.

Alas we did not.

But then again …
emotional wounds
do not bleed,
there is no torn flesh,
no chipped or fractured bones –
no evidence of anything at all.

So how on earth do you tend to bone-deep wounds of the heart & mind?

With mourning.

It’s simple really.

When you mourn –

you can tend directly to your pain…

First comes the willingness to see,
maybe it’s just the tiniest peep,
just enough to show yourself
the extent of the injury,

… then comes the bathing –
with attention or understanding or kindness or tears,

then apply the dressing of time,
plenty of time
& as you allow this
you learn
what you needed to learn
& so that you are able to …

… truly heal
so that …

… when you make your next move
it is in a direction
of your choice.

Maybe it takes a minute, a day, a week or a year – but at the end of that time, the knowledge & healing is yours to keep, forever.

If you cannot mourn
you are doomed to repeat the same pain
again & again …

& again.

If you can’t mourn, you just can’t hold on to learning – & you cannot heal, or let go or move on. We can no more walk away from our pain & sorrow than we can from our own shadow.

You can only come to the mourning through the shadows

The thing is, if we could just return to our common senses we would know that we never wanted to run away from them.

Once upon a time
we dived into our own pain with gusto
& nothing & no one
was allowed to take it away until …

… we had had our fill.

So why have we been fuckery & betrayal?


If you can lock down the emotions of a human
you have them

… they are going nowhere, ever.
Now that’s the kind of control that would make a dictator drool.

Although there has been containment of humanity for eons, it is the Western world that turned it into an ART form.

So come with me on a tour of the …

… Museum of Artistic Control.

We’ll start with the LOGIC exhibition”

“Once used as a tool to assist questioning, it was honed …

… into the killing machine in the West”

Logic is like the sword–those who appeal to it shall perish by it.”

Logic is one thing, the human animal another

But logic never could convince the heart

Aristotle believed [deductive reasoning] was the most effective mode of persuasion

It is now no mystery that some quite influential ‘philosophers’ were ‘mentally’ ill

As Freud says somewhere, reason is not a strong force in human life but it is persistent and in the long run may prevail

We now know that Jesus actually warned people about logic … however he is quoted as saying that it was like talking …

… to a brick wall.

He distinctly advised against using logic on an injured person:

how can you say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while the log is in your own eye?

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye

Of course he was a bit of a bugger for using coded references – LOG + (I)Eye + (C)See, you see.

Nevertheless his message is valid.

Logic as we now know is sharply acidic – it cannot tend emotions because it burns them.  Strong emotions are already blistering & searing – & need acceptance, space & time – to burn out &/or settle down

The selling of logic has had much to do with the selling out of emotion.

A dashed cunning way this was achieved, was by the …

… wooing & winning of emotions,
when we gave our hearts to the

… priests of logic.

The Church of Logic
with altars in every home

Moving right along …

Now we come to one of the most popular exhibits of the museum … & rightly so.

Zionising Trumpery remains one of the masterpieces
of the 20th century Western world.
Named after
one of its earliest triumphs …

… the make-over of Palestine.

The out & out success of out-trumping Palestinians
via the application of Jewish-uber-suffering,
led to Zionising Trumpery
an art form.

This was a era when photographers outpainted the Grand Masters,
producing pictures of ten thousand words,
that seared the minds of millions.

One of the finest examples of Zionising Trumpery was the …

the Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph taken during the Vietnam War on June 8, 1972

It was branded into the brain from the very first viewing.

You know what’s happening in that picture, don’t you?

You wove your own story from the information given, from your ‘knowledge’ of the Vietnam war (gained through the media) & then you mixed in your own understanding of fear/horror.

Congratulations – you were trumped!

While that image was napalmed into your mind, that girl moved on, she healed, grew up, married, had children – she now lives in Canada …

… & gives talks about her experiences.
Even the Queen has shaken her hand.

But most of you didn’t know that, did you?  The burns that image caused in your  mind were never tended.

Below is a link to further your healing now – a few images & a very short video.

Watch the video clip.

I have to say I was confused – I just couldn’t connect the feel of the footage with the horrored-faces of the prize-winning photo.

It made me ask questions too.

Many questions:

  • Where & when did the photographer capture  that scene of horror?  Certainly not during the footage-filming.
  • Why is she wearing no pants – there don’t seem to be burns to the lower part of her body.  What we know is that that image would NEVER have had the same impact without her nakedness.
  • Where are the adults from the village?
  • Why do the soldiers pay absolutely no attention to a naked girl screaming her lungs out.
  • Why is the uninjured boy so distraught, while the children at the back are only moderately so – indeed one seems merely to be suspicious of the photographer?
  • Wasn’t it lucky that the children were so nicely spread out across the road & not bunched together to make such a great shot.

There are other anomalies – look for yourself.

For me, only the woman with the baby has a genuine, awful feel – yet she seems almost out-of-place.  Her baby is naked because all it’s clothes were burned off, unlike the girl …

… on centre stage.

I’m not saying this isn’t real – but when you put the footage with the picture you may end up geting a feeling of  of a set(up) of the whole shoot’.

Now let’s go back to mourning.

What pictures & stories like this have done is trivialise our (ordinary) lives & our (ordinary) stories.  Nothing that has happened within our lives is going to compare with the suffering of these people.  We did not drop the napalm, or pull the trigger, or gas or starve anybody, yet our guilt is expertly insinuated by our connection to the inhuman race – & so we are convicted & sentenced to suffer, as if we had.

We should have been ‘smelling rats’
but we did not.

For the people who committed the atrocities
are the very same people
who had them captured them on film
& then fed back to us

we become the mad cows who were poisoned with a diet
of polaroided dead flesh.

Let me be controversial – well even more so.

I believe that both you & I carry pain far worse than the napalm girl.


Because she healed & we were not allowed to.

Using media standards of pain as a benchmark for suffering, prohibited us from owning our own torments – because there was always someone worse off, EVERY night on the news.

I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.”

Who makes this crap up?

My sister & I suffered a particularly cruel, yet apparently trivial fate for years, thanks in part to blessed Mother Teresa.  Four times a week, lumpy, yet runny, ‘eye’-filled mashed potatoes were served up for dinner – it was quite literally torture for us, sometimes we would throw up …

… our anguish was trumped by reminders of Mother Teresa & the starving in India. So desperate were she & I to escape the hated mash we even resorted for a time to eating grated raw potato.

I have not doubt that this experience played a big part in both of us developing eating disorders. No matter how often either of us have tried to explain the revulsion of those times, not one has ever understood & it’s as if we have remained in a kind of limbo of un-acknowledgement.

So Rach, my dearest sister, in conjunction with my dearest readers, this is for you:
I hereby acknowledge the (approx) 2,500 times you suffered this gut-wrenching distress.

You see it’s here in all the ‘small’, anonymous, disregarded, forgotten, nameless, neglected, overlooked, unacclaimed, undistinguished, unhonored, unnamed, unrecognized pains that the people of the West were done slowly to death.

We are dead now, or almost dead … well do you honestly call your days, life?

And now we’re being fooled yet again by the idea that we are ‘awake’, so that we won’t notice how close to your last uninspired breath we are.

It doesn’t have to be this way of course.

But we must understand that the West, like Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, Shakespeare, Mother Teresa, the Great Masters, the Great authors, the Great film-makers, the Great leaders of the West, were GREAT because they followed the Great Tenets of the Western World, that:

Living is a crime


Death is glorious

There is nothing in the West to honour life.

Even our holidays revolve around a baby doomed to die & his future self beings gloriously mutilated.

Jesus’ crucifixion was a masterpiece of ,em>Zionising Trumpery-

… why do you think his death was & is, so ‘pushed‘?
Because it is the arrival & departure terminal of the West.

The only reason Jesus’ words were given a platform was to disguise the message the trumpers were out-trumped his life with:

Living is a crime


Death is glorious

The crucifixion itself is a give-away you know
look closely
it’s another

 … set-up

… with each scene
meticulously directed.

That overkill is …

… the stuff of Batman & Robin’s endless near death experiences
at the end of each episode.

Well I think I’ve gone on long enough – I’m not sure if I’ve even managed to say what I really wanted to say.

I wanted to say that it’s time to tend to our own wounds.

And to say that no one is going to come & do that for you.

Don’t worry, you don’t have to go looking for them – they’re with your right now – they are the fabric of your life & always have been – you relive them every day & every job & every relationship & every friendship & every illness.

You may have abandoned them, but they never left you.

Look don’t let the fuckery of the West get in the way.

From what I can see it comes down to a desire & hunger to live – if you have that you open your own path back to yourself.

A couple of weeks ago I got to a place of such emotional turmoil, that I did what I’d never done before – I stopped waiting for someone else to authenticate my pain & did it for myself.

I went for a walk on the beach & took the time to acknowledge a lifelong agony.  It’s actually really hard to type that word ‘agony’ because it seems so dramatic, so over the top, how dare I claim such a thing –  but you see that’s the trumpery working so very well indeed.

The day after finally acknowledging how much I hurt, a programme I’d found on the internet was sitting in my letterbox.  I’m now two weeks into a very novel approach to healing Chronic Fatigue which involves calming down the amygdala, the fear centre of the brain & body.  I have been seeing that most of the agony I’ve experienced has been relentlessly generated within myself.

The main thing I’ve come to understand is that so much of this pain need never have happened had I been allowed to mourn when & what I needed to mourn.  Instead, from lack of undertsanding  I crafted the most bizarre explanations & reasonings, had I mourned, my mind would have been able to adequately map out the terrain of pain, building my own pictures  that would been mine to use & refer to in any future scenarios.

Without the mourning we lose our way.

Understand this, it’s NOT scary.  In fact when it’s you calling yourself home,  it has amazing beauty.

And it allows us to move on.

You hear the crying and the death wail at night,” he recalled, “it’s a real eerie, frightening sound to hear. Sad sound… to hear them all crying. And then after the funeral, everything would go back to normal

Keening was a practice common in Ireland where women would come to the wake and loudly lament the loss of a loved one

The Irish tradition of keening over the body … praise for the deceased, emphasis on the woeful condition of those left behind etc. set to vocal lament. While generally carried out by one or several women, a chorus may have been intoned by all present. Physical movements involving rocking, kneeling or clapping  … After consistent opposition from the Roman Catholic Church in Ireland … in 1631, 1748 and 1800 that went so far as to recommend excommunication for offenders, the practice became extinct

She began the high, whining keen of the death wail…It rose to a high piercing whine and subsided into a moan. Mama raised it three times and then she turned and went into the house…

LCaoineadh na dTrí Muire (The Lament of the Three Marys)

And just as my eyes start seeing
After all the pain
The twist in my life starts healing
Just to twist again
In stillness, in sorrow
Returns that softly sighing lament


And just as the smile’s returning
After all the pain
The fire inside stops burning
Just to burn again
In moments of madness
Returns that softly sighing lament
(Lament ~ Ultravox)


  1. You’ve been tricked out of your pain by the Western World tenets. Don’t be tricked out of returning to yourself by the fuckery of these Western world tenets.
  2. Much of your pain was cunningly crafted via your civiliesation.
  3. But it’s YOU who maintains it now.  Though you’d probably prefer to die by the sword than admit that. (Refer to points 1 & 2 again)


Text in this colour from Unattended Sorrow ~ Stephen Levine

November 24, 2011. Uncategorized.


  1. GladGal replied:



  2. aferrismoon replied:

    Notes on English – I rather feel the modern , dumbed-down English, and the simplistic new-ager , icing-on-the-cake-without-the cake language is more the culprit.

    As I live in a country where people do not speak ‘native english’ we employ a different system of language – i.e.: we try to communicate with each other and not outdo each other in florid, garbled, touchy-feely gobshite.

    Many newspapers and articles in ‘modern’ native English I have shown to students and we have decided after 5 minutes that’s its pointless trying to plough through its cloying, senseless drudgery – go back to English 100 years ago and much more is understood.

    I notice now that news agencies do not say, e.g.: ‘ the Russian Parliament’ but ‘ the Russia Parliament’ or the ‘Spain footballer’ etc etc. It deliberately ‘simplifies’ the language so that language loses ‘articulation’ , there aren’t the differences that articulate a detailed picture but all is bland , superficial and average [ a prominent dis-ease of our time , averagism].

    The Czechs like using English and there is a new ‘foreigner’ English which uses other linguistic methods and one begins to listen again, working together to reach co-munication, as opposed to the dead-letter pronouncements of the ‘dialecticus insubstantialis’, victim-language [ another biggie] [ the Aussies used to call it ‘whingeing po[e]m’], noo[se]age, political and corporate.

    The kind of language when u know someone’s going to start manipulating u to a certain end and has already set up their victim status, or your failure to understand.

    A classic
    ” I didn’t expect that from you’ – victim, shock, your failure to be translated as ‘ why don’t you just – agree with me/ do what I ask? ‘ etc

    After a couple of years I managed to get it that my students only did exams that they wanted to do [ i.e.: made in consultation with them’ , when they wanted to. We also got rid of marks and grades [ as no-one gets 100% everyone gets ‘degraded’ ] and merely went through what is –
    1 Classic native English
    2 Not grammatically correct via exams but wholly understandable
    3 Ok I’m confused, can we change it.

    The art = ART-ICULATION , though we are often faced with something other.

    Shall read rest later



  3. aferrismoon replied:

    Some will not rest until the sun sets at morn.


  4. Michael Skaggs replied:


    I loved the closing aspects of this article…that is exactly how to cleanse the body of emotional grief and suffering, we’ve been reduced to holding it inside and toxifying our bodies. This stems back to me to “Our bodies have a mind of their own”. High impact article Alex! Great work!!



  5. Joanne replied:

    This morning – Thanksgiving – I stumbled out of bed, into the bathroom, still waking up – and all of a sudden I heard the echo of a cry – one that was bellowed out from a friend of mine, around this time last year. In her grief, she threw her arms around me and let out such a sadness. I knew right then I would never forget that sound – it came rushing through me again this morning, for whatever reason, and I wept. The sound of that cry she let out – I wonder if that frequency has been imprinted on me – not just my DNA, but my soul. I don’t think it’s any coincidence I felt that – all over again, like it was still fresh – less than an hour before coming over here to wish you a happy Thanksgiving. I knew you were gonna go there about grief – but wow, I didn’t know how spot on you’d be.

    Did not know that about Mother Theresa, either. That’s incredibly telling – and worth sharing with my Ma – not that she needs any more reason to break away from Catholicism, haha. Still tho, the implications there are profound. I can’t believe I never noticed any disconnect there, especially after reexamining her quotes.

    “Have you noticed that the only time in the West when it’s ok to live, is when you’re dying?”

    Yes, I have. Thank you for asking, that’s such a good question. And I’m very sorry about your sculptor friend. I think I’d rather do what I love with the promise of dying, than do what demeans me with the promise of living more miserably, too. When I think of the five years I cashed in as a cog in the machine, I can’t think of a worse fate. Very sorry and I hope that changes for the better, and soon

    I’m not sure if you all do the Thanksgiving hooplah in NZ – probably not – but I came over here today to thank you for all your work has done to improve my life this year – and you just happened to have this new gem, which is a nice surprise :] Thank you for having a hand in the blessings that have come into my life in the past few months, too – and thank you for your writing, which always pushes the depths to which I think & feel. Wishing you the best and brightest and clearest of mo(u)rnings – thank you for your risks



  6. Kitty replied:

    Thank you for all your beautiful writing Alex.

    In the last few years hospice care has become a really big industry in my University city. They have a ton of billboards up every where. The one billboard that I found particularily offensive was the one that said: “Hospice: it’s never too soon to call”.


  7. Max replied:



  8. Kerri replied:

    Wow! You timing is impeccable! Just yesterday was such a tornado of sorrow and pain for my family. This was a direct result of someone who has buried a pain so deep that he has turned into a bitter man who wants to drag everyone into his vortex of misery. He has enslaved himself to the system of work, work, spend, spend- must have more stuff! Money and material goods define you! His target was my mother who was recently diagnosised with a potentially terminal illness. She is the most selfless person and only
    now, after finding out she may die, has
    decided she needs to focus on herself. Well, I won’t ramble on about the drama but this article spoke to me on so many levels. I feel I am mourning the loss of someone who is still very much alive…but only technically speaking; his heart and very being is in chains and afraid to confront his own pain. I mourn for my brother.

    But your article has given me hope. Hope fir myself, my mother and even my cold, angry brother. I do not want to wait until I am dying to live my life. That has been on my mind a lot lately.

    Thanksgiving, eh?
    I thank you, Alex, for sharing all of your wisdom and insight!
    I thank the people who take time to comment as there is so much to learn from the perspective of others!
    And, on a side note, I want to thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to respond to my comment on your last article! It meant so much to me. :)


    • Kerri replied:

      Doh! Excuse my typos as I am commenting from this crappy phone!;)


  9. tom cuddy replied:

    I listened to John Taylor Gatto use the phrase, “an arc of a life”. The innocence of youth, before the so-called age of reason, able to learn a language and most of the best parts of culture prior to school. Then preschool or kindergarten comes along like the military recruiters who tell the desperate to believe and they will receive education and, the three square meals is enough of a hook. Its counterpart in school is a nap, to get the lambs comfortable with the uneasiness of strange surroundings. I could go on and yet I know you see the point. The control has begun. It began before birth. It constantly changes and adapts taking us in the calculated arc. I liked Gatto’s phrase. The arc is the ark. The words are interchangeable. The pain is learned. When we awake from the kindergarten nap, the damage is done. The challenge is to siimply deal with the residual feeling of anger and hopefully realize that life is more important. Our vision is clouded by the language, our programs and our own misguided beliefs. Life and the beauties, we need not more. There is no tabla rasa (clean slate) on each of our arc(k)s. We do share the latter (k).

    Had to reply and compliment you on your arc. Walking is waking.


  10. tom cuddy replied:

    In addition, the vietnam napalming looked staged. The child wasn’t wincing as the water was poured onto the wounds. I’ve been on movie sets and the people in the background on the road stood at what appeared to be a scrimmage line. They were peculiarly grouped in an orderly fashion, none attempting to run towards the children to aid and protect. It is madness.


  11. Ben replied:

    LOVE your work. the only site I have ever left comment on. There is a platform here I feel. Can you let me know what the Amgdala program is? It iis more important than most know.


  12. lugh replied:

    What cruel fate do we face if we wallow in the darkest time for fear of the new day? if it is never mourning, are we always in this darkness.. stumbling in a abysmal nadir with no hope for light for fear of what it might show us about the world and of ourselves. We need to be able to face the unknown terrors of the night and the brutal reality of the light.
    The mourning/morning is the fleeting of the dark, and while you may strain your eyes for a moment.. and there may be an urge to roll over and go back to sleep.. there is much beauty to be beholden over the horizon.
    It will only hurt for a brief moment.. and after the pain comes something greater. Like birth pangs.


  13. alex robinson replied:

    Danke GladGal :]

    Hi mr moon
    I think that must be quite wholesome & satisfying to have to work at your communication – like growing & grinding your own wheat, as opposed to buying a bag of bleached flour.

    Ah yes, the clas-sick “I didn’t expect that from you” – when one’s shocking behaviour cuts another to the quick – I still remember being the cause of this PTSD in a nun at school – for the heinous crime of running round the classroom.

    That is a truly inspired approach to teaching – what a difference that would make to anyone wanting to learn.

    “Some will not rest until the sun sets at morn” – that goes deep.

    very best to you

    Thanks Michael – I do think our bodies hold the whole story, the truth & the whole truth – I think that’s why we’re so pushed into disconnection.

    very best to you

    Amazing story Joanne – perhaps one of the most important tasks of the voice is to give grief the life it needs in order find peace. Instead of the heartrending sounds we need to make when our hearts & bones are crushed, we have to resort to insipid descriptions – “I am so upset” – when we actually need to scream like a raging, wild animal.
    The thing is there are NO words for these feelings that we have, so they are stuck inside us. I have struggled for so long to get to where I am because I couldn’t find the right words – I didn’t realise that they simply don’t exist – pain can never respond to, or release thro’ logical explanation.

    I completely understand your thoughts on creating – I got it in a story so many years ago where funnily enough a sculptor is decorating a church for an overlord, but he then accused of a crime & sentenced to death, once he’s finished of course :] – anyway logic dictates that he would drag out the work as long as possible, but he could not – I always understood that – how that would be impossible – you can’t slow it down, you’re not in control. Mind you I can also see that story now as yet another cog in the programming of “Living is a Crime”.

    You are right we don’t have Thanksgiving here – but I was really delighted to see that this article appeared at just that right time for many

    Mo(u)rn well & stay dangerous :]

    Kitty – how could you find hospice billboards chilling – surely you are being insensitive. They need to advertise on billboards because ummm … errr – actually why would a hospice need to advertise on a billboard – wouldn’t you simply look them up if you needed them under ‘Hospice’ in the phone book if you were about to pop your terminal clogs?

    I wonder what it would feel like to throw an egg at one? Oops sorry I don’t know what came over me :]

    Thanks & very best to you m’dear

    Many times thanks Max


  14. Mick replied:

    As brilliant as the sun at dawn (who was female long before becoming male).

    May all our hearts rage into the night.

    Laments are excellent for release. It is always the pipes that do it for me.


    • alex robinson replied:

      Thanks Kerri for the openness & honesty of your comments.

      I know too well the ‘living dead’ of which you speak – such a destructive thing, not only to watch it happen but also the awful hurt it causes to everyone else around. It seems to me that the West is all about protecting the bullies – we have somehow been trained to endure – is it the ‘be good’ programme I wonder – it is SO rare that we will stand up to the pain mongerers in our lives & they seem to know that – do some people choose that path because they know they will have carte blanche? I understand that these people are suffering too – but where does it all stop? We do not know how to ‘call people out’ – we only seem to know how to suffer.

      Thank you for your thanks – ’tis my pleasure :]

      I wish life to you & all your family.
      very best to you

      Ah Tom thanks,
      I knew of his work but not his name – now Marie Antoinette’s statement makes more sense –
      “Let them eat cake / gateau/ Gatto” – definitely let the people digest this man’s work!

      “Perhaps the greatest of school’s illusions is that the institution was launched by a group of kindly men and women who wanted to help the children of ordinary families”

      I appreciate you taking the time & effort to consider the ‘Vietnam affair’ – not many people have clicked on that link & I wonder why. In too many ways it suggests a staged event – where does that place the award winning photographer if he was simply waiting to catch the escaping rats on camera – & again why no adults in that scene? You always run to your children to protect them, or help them escape.

      Many thanks Ben – let me just go deflate my ego for a moment :]
      I do hope ‘this place’ is a place of sanctuary & healthy craziness.

      I didn’t give link to the programme because I’m still in testing stages myself, but I’d also decided if anyone asked then I would supply – so check out Gupta amygdala retraining – he focuses specifically on cfs & fibromyalgia but it can also be used for anxiety disorders, which I think now are the basis of the western world – unfortunately the word anxiety has been so overused & diluted that it is not seen for what it really is – slow & certain, living death.

      You can get a 3 hour free online course that explain his work – it’s sent out over the course of a few days so you don’t feel overwhelmed.

      very best to you

      Well said lugh – I think it is very much birth pains & birth is not meant to be held in, can’t be – just how much self-mutilation occurs when we go rigid with fright & try to fight off the birth of a new self?

      very best to you

      Cheers Mick – thanks for the sadness.

      Rage on & rage well.
      very best to you as always


  15. Mick replied:

    All the world’s a stage, especially in the theatre of war. The emotional response to the photograph is immediate and overwhelming. Instinct goes into overdrive. The same with photographs of child famine victims, and those of depleted uranium victims. I also cynically thought she’d be a poster girl for any vampiric elite paedophile. We’re back to thanateros again, the energies of sex and death being paramount in this sick kabuki play.

    Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


    • alex robinson replied:

      “The emotional response to the photograph is immediate and overwhelming.”
      … & of course that is the ‘correct’ response – only a heartless bastard would not be affected … these photos are honed with precision. Yes good point – perhaps it won a prize for the ‘pleasure’ it gave to some.

      That is the wonderful poem the irate journalist quoted re Kubler-Ross’ death fetish – if you’re not lying in your grave preparing for the end you’re obviously trying to avoid the inevitable. It amazes me how often I find the ‘inevitability’ of death thrown into work when it has no relation to what’s being said. I feels a lot like the gay agenda that the rebel exposes – you must be constantly referencing it even when it doesn’t have any relevancy to a topic & feels out of place.



  16. Mick replied:

    This particular article is certainly helping me in my own internal struggle with life at the moment. Came across this little irony:

    Either way, anxiety is promoted, and blessed to Americans.

    Many thanks, Alex.


    • alex robinson replied:

      Ah that’s great – thanks for letting me know Mick. That might just be what I needed to take some of these thoughts a small step further.

      Interesting article – why would they do that I wonder?

      very best


  17. Mick replied:

    I think you’ve answered that question with your articles, especially the last few. Constant anxiety keeps us away from our Ma.

    Oh! It was a rhetorical question – oops. :-)


  18. paulo replied:

    We die they live? … or we live they are already dead… :P


  19. alex robinson replied:

    Mick, Paulo
    Yes, no, maybe … :]


  20. Mick replied:

    Ha! You are beautiful :-)


  21. See the Sideshow (part two) » TheLoosh replied:

    […] in relation to the caduceus confusion, Wand of Death and The Agony & The Fuckery by Alex Robinson Posted by Joanne on December 2nd, 2011 Posted in Sweet Dreams, The Hole to Who […]


  22. the living tiki replied:

    “If the stack is high against you
    And the hammer is coming down
    And the time that’s yours lies heavy in your hands
    Oh, my sentimental friends
    The fast must reach an end
    One day

    Lying face down on the cold stone
    And they give their all to you
    But their all is slipping through your hands
    Oh, my sentimental friends
    Your time will come again
    One day

    One day
    Where I didn’t die a thousand times
    Where I could satisfy this life of mine
    One small day

    One day
    Where every act could be a joy to me
    And live a life the way it’s meant to be
    One small day

    How many times has it turned against you?
    How many times will they walk away?
    How many times have you let depression
    Oh, my sentimental friends
    We’ll walk as one again
    One day

    One day
    Where I didn’t die a thousand times
    Where I could satisfy this life of mine

    One day
    Where every act could be a joy to me
    And live a life the way it’s meant to be

    One day
    Where I wouldn’t feel my senses die
    Where nothing made me hang my head and cry

    One day
    Where I can see myself as others can
    Where I can feel the strength of love at hand

    One day….”

    “One Small Day”

    – Read the post, decided another Ultravox song was the best reply, played the song to remember the lyrics, and found myself weeping. Good read.

    Crying and laughter sound very similar, don’t they?


    • alex robinson replied:

      Mick thanks :]

      mr tiki
      That was lovely – had not heard that before – I can see why it touched you –

      “One day
      Where I didn’t die a thousand times
      Where I could satisfy this life of mine”

      its fits very well with what I am continuing on with – may have to steal some lines :]

      Now that you point it out, laughing & crying do sound like very close kin – have been pondering the idea that emotion & the voice are inseparable.

      Wishing you hearty satisfaction & a life of healthy crime :]


      • the living tiki replied:

        It was actually all that talk of hospice that got me (the song is powerful, though). Taking care of handicapped, arguing, elderly parents and then made guardian of a 92 year old great aunt in a care home put me in the company of senility, sadness, depression, and death for nearly a decade. Some people missed their childhood – I missed my “adulthood”.

        And I can’t stand fu&#ing hospitals! Ongowa!


  23. effel replied:

    Why is logic so maligned ? :( Without logic, how can you evaluate if the road you’re on is proper or not ?
    And it seems Matthew agrees when properly translated 7:5 ὑποκριτά, ἔκβαλε πρῶτον ἐκ τοῦ ὀφθαλμοῦ σοῦ τὴν δοκόν, καὶ τότε διαβλέψεις ἐκβαλεῖν τὸ κάρφος ἐκ τοῦ ὀφθαλμοῦ τοῦ ἀδελφοῦ σου.
    hypocrite, tear out first from your eye the expertise (in its presumptuous sense, and not log), and then lecture to tear out the nail from your brother’s eye
    Logic, properly applied, on a work on oneself, is the way to determine where we are wrong. And through logos, we may discuss about it. Maybe what is meant in the symptoms is logic applied unto others. For me, real logicians are not cartoon characters, but someone like Socrates who knew that he knew nothing. Or like Tesla or Reich, working for the betterment of human condition.


    • alex robinson replied:

      Hi effel
      Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough – my point was about the dangers of logic when used without emotion, or when applied to heightened or hurting emotions – I’m pretty sure logic is meant to be a tool, just like say a hammer – a hammer has many great uses when used correctly, but used badly, will maim.



      • effel replied:

        Indeed, a tool, needing wisdom to use, used to acquire wisdom. The heart will give it purpose, to build and not to hurt :D


  24. Kerri replied:

    Hi! Just popped in to read the comments! This reminded me of two things:
    1. I am so glad you posted the Vietnam Photo with the uplifting story of the woman pictured! I’ve seen that photo on and off my whole life and it’s a heartbreaking image! My, how “they” love to traumatize you! I always imagined the worst must have happened following that shot! Good to know that it was actually VERY misleading. That raises so many questions regarding other “media”.
    2. The “death wail”. I know I’m not the only who has done this on sad occasions(I remember howling over my favorite cat’s death when I was a teen). Seems to come naturally. It also makes me think of music…like the blues…when pure emotion comes through soulful person’s vocals and really makes you feel something(unlike the autotuned garbage of today that may as well be emanating from a robot).
    That goes for joy, too. Joyful sounds are great energy! I love hearing your laugh, Alex, when you co-host with the Rebel! Great one! He also makes me smiled with his muffled laugh(at his own jokes)! ;)
    Keep up the amazing work!


    • alex robinson replied:

      Thanks Kerri
      Very pleased to help detoxify that image – it is all about traumatising – the photographer will have taken many shots, but chosen the most toxic, the most traumatising & called it a ‘good shot’. I’m reminded of the extra famous pic of the ‘falling man’ from the Day of the Tumbling Towers – tho’ that was cunningly different – it had the newer agenda – SELLING acceptance of death – we were shown someone going peacefully into that dark night – that was BS there was a load of photos of that man’s fall, he was in out of control plummet & in no way going gently.

      Yes Joanne also talked of a great wail from a friend in comment to the last article – it is not so uncommon, but we’re so programmed to repress & keep our mouths shut that it takes a lot to release it.
      & yes absolutely that goes for joy too – put me in the ocean with lots of big waves & I just can’t stop the whoops & yells from coming :] Whereas if I need a good yell I go for a drive & let rip – of course I have to wind up the windows so as not to scare anyone because expressing emotions is not very acceptable.

      Thanks for your words, very best to you


  25. thegoldenphone replied:

    great post


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