nicely napalmed

Got my coffee & ginger biscuits …
all ready to write …
but the words won’t come.

Actually, on quick contemplation that makes perfect sense,
for today’s topic
is intimately connected to a
world-famous
word thief

meet

RAGE

“Be afraid, be very afraid”

Or … maybe not.

Banner’s anger, his emotional stress, his panic, brings forth the Hulk. He becomes the Hulk to survive. It’s a symbolic survival, a scientific version of a warrior’s spear and a bear skin to protect against the elements. Banner becomes the most advanced form of Man, as the Hulk…a creature which heralds the primitive instincts while Banner’s intellect tames the savagery. The Hulk is actually more evolved, not less…

… the two beings are one. The Hulk has to summon Banner’s intellect from his subconscious, and Banner has to face his fears and repulsion of the Hulk. To survive

Something snapped in me a week ago.  I have been living in rage– (I anger) ever since.

One too many life-assaults combined with one too many back-stabs into the self-I’d-built-up-over-a-life-time loosed my ship-self  …

… from its moorings & cast it adrift in a massive storm.  I am no longer the person I once was.

Before I continue I feel I should add that if you don’t like swearing, now would be a really good time to fuck off.  And if you don’t like my work then what the hell are you doing here?

That said, let’s continue in-raged.

I wrote a post a while ago about embracing the seven deadly sins. Under the heading of wrath, came the following words & accompanying quote:

… but sometimes you have to step in.

I think that’s what wrath is about – a powerful emotion telling us that it’s time to step in & take back control.

Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you’ve got to say, and say it hot.

I realise that’s easier done than said.

The media fuckwits who’ve maimed our world did an exceptionally effective job in scaring people witless when it comes to …

rage & anger.

As if to prove my point, the murder mystery I watched last night had the murderer losing control & committing one of those “I-don’t-know-what-happened, I-just-snapped” acts of homicide.

Let’s let our opening-quote-maker make some much more incredible sense:

The Hulk is a common denominator for all of us, a missing link one might say to a primitive yet necessary evolutionary path. The Hulk is not “just” Banner, he’s Mankind itself, the core basis for the beast who walks upright, capable of using both brawn and brain to survive any situation. To survive, and to become moreLink

My personal process of rage seems to involve deconstructing myself.

It has been brought home to me quite forcibly how much I have been stuck in my own personal Ideal-Belief-Reality conflict – a term coined by Robert Fritz, he goes on to say …

Personal ideals are extremely easy to form, given the abundance of notions in the world about how to be a perfect or proper human being.  …  A personal ideal dictates standards by which to live … Seldom to people form ideals for themselves that are consistent with how they currently are, or what they think they are … If you doubt your intelligence, it is likely you will include intelligent as part of your ideal.  If you suspect you are weak, you might include strong as part of your ideal.  The ideal will not be a conscious choice, but rather a natural automatic compensation for inadequacies you suspect you may have …  then the driving force … behind your actions is the elimination of inadequacies Most people are unaware that this is their true motivation when they form an ideal for themselves.

If a person believes he is somehow bad, he might compensate by constructing an ideal of a good person.  He may then attempt to fulfill the ideal by doing good deeds over his lifetime.

In effect, then, the person’s actions would be motivated by avoiding the undesired belief … Yet the belief about being bad does not dissolve in light of countless experiences of goodness … 

… Ironically, it is reinforced

The latter was my ideal.

To be a good person.

nice person.

I suppose somewhere along the growing-up-way I was given to ‘understand’ that I was not a good person. Perhaps that was true, perhaps not, but for the purposes of this article, it matters not a whit.  What matters, with this current line of thinking, is the wastage of my life in trying to live up to that ideal

Of goodness.

Of niceness.

So desperately did I clutch onto this belief that it took a whole lot of hell before I let go…

… & fell into a raging emocean.

I have been living there for a week now. Sometimes the rage is stronger than others. No one has died from the venom I’ve vomited up – apparently its not nearly as deadly as I was programmed to believe.

In investigating this rage – one of the strange things I’ve found is that, even on the bottom of this emocean, I still breathe & live.

But I live & breathe in a whole new way.

I would now go so far as to say that rage is

AWEsome
& …

… immensely
alive.

Freeing …

& direction changing

Note of uncaution to all ‘potential ragers
Unless you are tripleseriously fucked in the head, you have the same chance of become a raging psycopathic killer as you have of jumping out of a plane without first checking there is …

… a parachute attached.

We have inbuilt self-&-other-life-protection-mechanisms …

… These mechanisms make sure we go so far & no further – in much the same way that most babies will crawl to the edge of the stairs & then stop, if they are not “saved” by an adult.

We learn how to trust ourselves when we are allowed to learn to trust ourselves.

Kind of simple really.

Either we live,
or we die
pretending we know
how to live.

I see now that being nice is one of the ugliest ideals in existence so …as this is my designated Rage Week, I’m going to put “niceness“, along with it’s miserable cousin “hope“, up against a wall …

… & shoot them.

Damn that felt good.

In my researchings I was surprised by the loyalty people give to the concept of niceness – as if it has something to offer!

It does not.

First off it’s a fraud – it is NOT what it appears to be:

nice     late 13c., “foolish, stupid, senseless,” from O.Fr. nice “silly, foolish,” from L. nescius “ignorant,” lit. “not-knowing

It has a strangely dodging past:

The sense development has been extraordinary, even for an adj.” … from “timid” (pre-1300); to “fussy, fastidious” (late 14c.); to “dainty, delicate” (c.1400); to “precise, careful” (1500s, preserved in such terms as a nice distinction and nice and early); to “agreeable, delightful” (1769); to “kind, thoughtful” (1830).”

Is it possible that a large part of the stupidity of people today (including mine & yours), comes from the insanity that is known as niceness?

Let me go further & suggest that a vast portion of the insidious programming we have downloaded was only made possible by our initiation into niceness.

The essence of niceness training is obedience to authority. The first teachers are parents but the message is supported and promoted by our educational and religious institutions, by our legal and medical systems, and by governments. Thus, niceness supports the status quo. This social organization may facilitate a subdued and acquiescent … society where people are accepted for the face they present to the worldLink

Even those who claim they don’t care what others think are bound by the conventions of niceness in society. Unless you are “loaded” or live in a cave, you simply can’t get away without bowing to this god …

… for its disciples will not allow it.

Good mannered people all over the world think it is acceptable to force people to plead before they will assist them.

Come on please, sound it out:

Please

=

Pleas

plea    n

1. an earnest entreaty or request a plea for help

2. (Law)  a.  Law something alleged or pleaded by or on behalf of a party to legal proceedings

I remember feeling an anger when my son was little that I had to teach him to say “please”.  I knew heart & soul that I would never deny him simply because he didn’t say please – have you EVER thought about how fucked up that is? Why would you make a child beg for something, especially when they already completely in your power?

So I taught my son about the word “please” & explained as best I could that most people would get upset it he didn’t use it.

And while we’re on the subject of plea bargaining, how fucked up is the demand for the word thank you from the little ones?

There is ugliness in the sound of enforced gratitude.

True delight …

… rarely forms

… words.

Niceness is a language of apology and politeness, ubiquitous and therefore familiar, as is any social norm, and it is a powerful deterrent to authentic relating, a mechanism of distancing rather than connection”

“At the simplest level of understanding, niceness is a way of silencing ourselves that keeps us out of touch with our authentic thoughts and feelings”

“In the interest of promoting niceness as a primary method of social interaction something is lost

“As parents are teaching niceness they do not always realize they are also teaching their children to silence their authentic thoughts and feelings

Niceness has:

  • cut out our tongues
  • crucified our authenticity
  • allowed fakery to rule
  • allowed emotional vampirism to flourish

Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or both” ~Frederick Douglass

I think part of the reason we bought into niceness was because it piggy-backed in on the fact that (on the whole) people are pretty damned decent – they consistently desire friendship, connection, co-operation & real life.

Niceness mimics that.

But hides its true objective –
the plucking fucking over of humanity
&
the creation of …

“Fuckwit Jam”
(made with 100% human beings berries).

When we are not ‘authentic’, we are …

… ambiguous, split & very,
very pulpable.

How many times a day do you ‘bite your tongue‘ when all you really want to do is call someone out as a fuckwit?

How often do you respond to triviality with the respect it does NOT deserve?

How often do you actually even speak the truth?

Have we lost the ability?

A funny thing seems to happen when we try to speak the truth – our vocal cords seize up & become petrified.

And the more I prevented myself from voicing my authentic thoughts and feelings the more I lost opportunities to hone the skills of honest, direct expression delivered in ways that are kind and respectful of the other person

Btw, being rude or obnoxious or assertive does not count as truth – that’s just one more cover story.

If we cannot speak out at the most fundamental level, how on earth can we change anything or create something new?

Here are some antonyms (opposites) of niceness:

discourtesy, impoliteness, rudeness, ungraciousness, irritability, peevishness, petulance, testiness; hostility, unfriendliness; sourness, vinegar

That is what your personal ideals have to face should you wish to be authentic.

Up until recently, the big word that kept most woman in their place was:

Bitch,

& more especially

Selfish Bitch

Its really quite amazing just what contortions a woman would have gone through to avoid being tarred & feathered with that label.

I was one of those.

For most girls the choice was made-slash-forced upon them at puberty.

We got two choices – the the good girl or the bitch.

The good girl path consisted of way, way, way more than being ‘choosy’ about sexual partners. It required subsistence on emotional crumbs while keeping those around you in whatever splendour they were accustomed to. It required a constant emptying out of yourself to ‘feed’ others. It required a shutting up of the mouth, a denial of basic needs & of course being so very, very fucking nice.

Being good necessitated …

… making a deal – far more vicious than anything the Little Mermaid’s went through.

In order to take the oath of niceness, a girl had to give up:

her voice, her feet, her fangs & …


… herr claws.

What those of the female persuasion never understood was there there was
NO choice.

Good girl or bad?

Seriously???

Both were effeminated forms of womanhood –
in the real & only sense of that word 
i.e. a woman who has given up or been robbed of, her own power.

I’m pretty bloody sure that the make up, shoe & fashion industries fatten themselves up by fuelling the memory of this loss.  After all how hard can it be …

… to feed an almost remembered hunger?

Perhaps niceness should be understood as a secretive religion.  It promises you rewards in the after-life.

The phrase after-life needs clarification.  So let’s clarify:

“After life” = any unreachable future.

The Religion of Niceness promises you great rewards if you will just defer your authenticity indefinitely.

Give up on your needs or speaking your truth, you will be saved & safe.

Be nice to others & they will be nice to you.  Hey presto, instant lovey-dovey civilisation.

Errr … what happens in the wild when a creature loses its ability to defend itself?

Ummmm, nooooope … I don’t think that’s it.

In the past few months a number of attacks have been aimed at me, or should I say my idealised-self.  I felt great anger at the unfairness, but not being a confrontational person, I simply continued trying to be a good, nice, understanding.

But last week after one too many of life’s, & other people’s little ‘games’, I fell down. According to those who somehow know best, I am a supreme bitch.

It may take a while to forgive a number of people, but to them I am also very grateful.

Because I am now no longer running in fear of being, …

… or being accused of being,
selfish bitch.

Here is a story from Robert Frtiz’s book Creating – although I’m not big on actors, it contains the equivalent of a nail-file-baked-in-a-cake – use for your own ideal-prison-break should you so wish:

The great English actor Alastair Sim had a moment of what he called revelation in his life, one that changed him forever … 

… He said that he discovered he was truly 

… a fool.  Once he knew that this was his opinion of himself, he was able to live his life as he chose to live it.  We can easily understand Sim’s profound change; his ideal-belief-reality conflict was over.  He was no longer attempting to live up to an ideal of wisdom, intelligence, or understanding, & so he could separate himself from what he created – which included some of the greatest performances in English films & theater

By steeping inside the idea that I might be that, which I had run so far away from, I have been finding the most amazing freedom

The rage activated by a number of interwoven ‘injustices’ has been used to strafe my past & so much of the stupidity I allowed as a disciple of the Cult of Niceness. So many sinfully stupid things I silently condoned:

Living with an illness for years & just accepting

Living close to the breadline for the last few years & just accepting

Having my time & energy used up by fuckwits, & just accepting

Letting myself be sold the idea that women are some kind of second-rate citizens & just accepting

Having my son die before birth due to hospital negligence & just accepting what they chose to tell me

These are just a few criminal examples that I accepted because I had pledged allegiance on the Altar of Niceness.

That I have been a fuckwit I do not deny.  I expect you too will have bowed low to your own gods.

Religion,

Education,

Literature,

Media

Morals …

… all drip with the LAWS of goodness-slash-niceness.

To be nice is to silence aspects of one’s authenticity

There is another cunning aspect to niceness that needs to be addressed or undressed.  It’s use as a mechanism of control.

Jane Austen understood this perfectly:

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal” ~Jane Austen

I’m glad to see you not entirely agreeable Miss Moreland, for when a person is entirely agreeable one feels obliged to be the same” ~Northhanger Abbey (Jane Austen)

Being niceforces others to respond in kind – it often maintains ‘connections’ that would have died a short, healthy death had authenticity been allowed. There’s a lot of people out there we don’t like or who don’t like us.

So what?

What might a short burst of authentic recognition of that fact offer?

How about freedom from undesired association?

How often do people stay in relationships out of niceness?

Here’s a different thought for the broken-hearted.

Maybe the relationship was a great success!  Maybe it was so fucking successful that you have both fully charged your batteries in each other’s companies & can now move forward as a healthily re-charged person.

The ‘sex was so great at first‘ scenario is nothing more than an extremely low battery on urgent recharge now that it’s found a compatible battery type.

Isn’t that maybe just a wee bit obvious?

Continuing …

Isn’t it interesting how similar
in sound & impact
the words
polite
& …

police
are?

I spotted a little wordplay on Aferrismoon’s site today
that made me think of how the word “police”
is sounded out
a lot like
“please”.

It should come as no surprise that there is rage in tRAGEdy.

Or that rage is to be found in the aveRAGE man/woman in the street.

I said at the beginning that rage is a word thief – there’s something about it that removes the usual ‘talk, talk, talk’ & leaves you with nothing more than foam at the mouth.

However today, for no extra charge I would like to pass on my new secret weapons of 9 different verbs & spices – these have been muttered in locations all round Auckland this week as well as hurled back into my past – I highly recommend them.

Instructions:
Apply the following generously – out loud (when on your own), or under your breath (in company) – you don’t want to start WWIII – you just want to acknowledge to yourself that you have had enough of any/all fuckwit -persons/events/organisations/hypocricies that you meet throughout your day.  Let no-one & no-thing be immune from your re-clarifications.

Phrase number one: “Go fuck yourself
NEVER hesitate to use this one – there are thousands upon thousands  of people out there who urgently need to undertake this procedure!

Phrase number two: “Go stick it up your arse
This works a treat for the avalanche of hypocricy/beaurocracy/fucked-upacy & general rudeness that you are forced to meet on a daily basis.  You are NOT obliged to swallow this shit, & even though you may have to (seem to) acquiesce on a surface level, you are completely free to  emotionally reject said ‘shit’ & give the mental command that the shit-giver stick it back where it belongs upon their person.

Well that’s it really – a bit of a mish mash post.  I’m really hoping the woman who wrote the following & certain quotes (in this colour), throughout this article doesn’t read this or she might take umbrage – but she makes some excellent points.

There was a long period in my life when I accepted that I was a nice person. I had buried the more testy aspects of my personality … in the hope that I would be accepted by everyone I met. It didn’t work. After years of this behavior there were still people I was unable to win over with my smile and silence. Worse, I was losing the ability to express my thoughts and feelings. With increased frequency I began to experience anxiety before I spoke.

My silence grew, as did my discomfort with the person I was becoming. There was a black hole in my existence, an interruption of my authenticity that manifested in a real disconnection between what I felt and thought and what I said. And the more I prevented myself from voicing my authentic thoughts and feelings the more I lost opportunities to hone the skills of honest, direct expression delivered in ways that are kind and respectful of the other person … 

… I have learned that degrees of niceness are not possible … but this does not mean that rude and disrespectful behavior—which is what one may think is the only substitute for being nice—is acceptable.  On the contrary, openness and honesty delivered with respect and kindness is the healthy alternative to oppressive, silencing niceness” ~Evelyn Sommers Link to article

Me, I just had enough. I wish it hadn’t taken so long.  It’s been interesting to see, now that I’m aware of it, how often I automatically go into “being nice” mode. My main desire now is to keep my rage alive long enough to help me clear the garbage that is ‘niceness’ out of my psyche

When you respect your anger as much as your love, you will have matured your emotional intelligence

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March 9, 2012. Uncategorized.

27 Comments

  1. Joanne replied:

    Hey Alex, glad to see you taking greater risks. I’m guilty of this, too. I was sitting here reading this, and the back of my mind was going, No! It’s nice to be nice! Because yes, I do think in a world filled to the brim with wankers and fuckwits, it’s refreshing to see someone with an honestly pleasant attitude. I’ve been trying to embody that, and I am going to keep trying to cultivate that, in the genuine sense, even after what I’ve read here…
    That said… it also *pays* to be nice… you know what I mean? :]
    That’s not lost on me and I think you have a lot of excellent points here.

    So reading this made me think of conversations I’ve had with others on this note – that our acts of kindness are so often selfishly-motivated. There’s a recognition of that, on the part of anyone who is the sort to just go out of their way, at the drop of a hat. There’s a benefit in being the glue that holds everybody together. That I can’t deny, there is truth to that. And so often we hand our energies away to others… and so often, we begrudge these people who we gave ourselves away to, later, for not receiving what we (nonverbally) expected in return in the first place.

    I’m totally guilty of that bullshit. I have figured out through failed friendships, that sometimes the balance of that give/take is way, way off… and most of us have the audacity to think it’s always the other person who takes too much… but no, it’s the person who gives too much in the first place, that’s the problem. That’s where the consent lies.

    But I don’t know, Alex… you know? I always liked that you’re a nice person. I’m sorry if that makes you cringe, by the definition you give here, but it’s true, I always liked that about you. There’s an unsaid respect and a sensitivity that comes across in both how you write and how you interact. So for me to hear you say a lot of this stuff, yeah… little bit shocking.

    I have this friend… she’s really sweet. But as I’ve gotten to know her, I know that she’s esteemed to everyone because of her sweetness. And it occurred to me over time, she buries her true feelings. That’s how she’s been wired, so she feels like she has to, and she doesn’t even think about it.
    A few weeks ago she told me she got piss drunk and snapped on a guy she was heartbroken over. The stuff she told me she said – I was like WHOA. I thought it was gonna be mild, but she called him a hack writer and everything. Couldn’t believe it, coming from her. I asked her, What do you do when you get angry? Because I can’t even imagine you angry. She said, I break stuff when I’m by myself :]
    I think sometimes nice people have the most rage, buried inside.

    There’s a Bach’s Floral Remedy for that, it’s called Agrimony. Don’t know if you’ve ever looked into those, but you might like them – it helps people address their negative qualities. I think they’re awesome. Agrimony is for the aggression hidden behind a cheerful demeanor.
    Yes it’s inauthentic to act that way, definitely. I’m just as guilty of it, we all know. But I wouldn’t call it outright fake – but yes, it certainly is inauthentic and unhealthy.
    But yeah seriously Alex… I wouldn’t change her kindness anymore than I would change yours. Because like I said, in a world full of fuckwits and wankers, that’s actually refreshing.

    So thank you for writing this, it’s given me a lot to think about, and I’m glad you got some rage out of your system :] Best to you

  2. Doug replied:

    hi Alex been following your blog for a wee while now really good thought provoking stuff and the added pleasure being that your here in little ol nu zealin between you and the Celtic Rebel you have set a full on feral cat amongst my fat arsed pidgeons but this latest one Polite damn did that resonate my bloody life in all its pukeing glory thank you Alex you are an absolute gem i’m going on record here the blogging world is about to see the Best of Alex Robinson watch this space
    cheers n salutations

  3. Ben replied:

    Hey Alex,
    . What an awesome insights you have.Absolutely amazing how you can see things so clearly.The only person I ever avidly wait for a new post is you. Well not quite…… Dave McGovern as well but his is a little different not as personal. You are a stunning writer.
    Cheers
    Ben

  4. Michael Skaggs replied:

    Bravo Alex!

    We had one hell-of-a week astrologically just the past week before this one, boy howdy it woke up lots!! I know you and I were both RAGING that week!!

    Well played my friend. Well played!!!
    Cheers!!!

  5. paulo replied:

    ouch ouch the bowl is hot mom!!!! :P

  6. Katherine replied:

    Hi Alex,

    Excellent post! I am still digesting most of it, but wanted to write a quick response regarding manners and the use of the word ‘please/pleas’. Such a great way of looking at it that we basically are teaching children to beg for something! All I could think of while reading this was how often I have heard adults say “And what’s the magic word???” when fishing for some manners…. Ugh, it’s sickening really.

    I was also reminded of a great conversation I had with a friend while I was in Germany a few months back. We were talking about the phrase “You’re welcome” and how it basically puts the act back on whoever is thanking the person. As opposed to the German “Bitteschoen” which implies that the person doing something did it on their own accord, not to please the other person who was thanking them. Errr, I really hope that makes sense. If not, you can go fuck yourself! :D

  7. t replied:

    your blog soothes the soul. thanks

  8. motherbarbarian replied:

    Hi Alex. Thanks for another challenging article. And there’s another word excised from my vocabulary! I feel like I have been living on fast forward these last few months, reviewing every part of my life. It leaves me feeling breathless sometimes, but it is also so very freeing. For as far as I can remember, I have tried to live my life authentically, and yet, I have done so while simultaneously being constrained by my niceness. It’s been quite the balancing act. At 48 years of age, I am at the same point you are at, ready to ditch niceness forever, and fully embrace realness. I love this quote – “There is so much to be destroyed so that a free existence may be created.”. You are showing us the way – how to take down the artificial controls we have all submitted to through our niceness, how to remove the psychic vampires from the helm of our societies. I think a lot of people can to a large degree intuit these concepts you are tackling, but your writing has such clarity and such honesty you are raising a battle cry to all who would listen – “Liberate Yourselves!”.

  9. Max replied:

    Alex,
    You really described my current condition.
    I remembered a TV commercial, which I watched in my teens. It showed young people in action and listing these activities up. Anyway, it conveyed an stereotypical image of young people. In one scene, two arguing youths were shown with the comment “Saying, what you think”.
    Well, what I was feeling, watching this, was: “Saying, what I think”? My ass! I don’t feel this way! I’m not able to do this! This is not, how I am experiencing to be a juvenile, at all!

    I am still imprisioned in niceness. Hence, I missed out on true rebellion, too. While I was reading your article I imagined a situation of rage, in which I would have the opportunity to express what I feel and think. I felt sickness building up in my stomach.

    I’ve recently watched the Danish movie “Adams Äpplen”. I admit that this flick is twisted in several ways. Anyway, it deals with a passive-aggressive priest who leads some sort of social institution. One inmate, a violent nazi skinhead who sat in prison, seems to me the healthiest character in this movie. He says what he feels and thinks and protects his personal borders with violent force. He also gives the priest a proper beating for his constant bullshit.
    In the end, the priest somehow manages to convert the skinhead to his way of life. Barf!

  10. Kitty replied:

    Fucking awesome!

  11. sundaemon replied:

    ARSE!

    FECK!

    Maybe Tourette’s outbursts are momentary glimpses of emotional sanity.

  12. capax replied:

    Thanks for writing this, Alex. There’s too much false “niceness” going on in the world, used as cover by those who fear reality, which will take a lot of “not nice”ness to change.

    One thing that drives me to rage is all of the “sorry” folk out and about. People are going around apologizing for things that there’s no need to apologize for! Small ex.=, at the food store today, i was looking at avacadoes. A lady grabbed a tomato next to me. I was going to say howdy, but before i could get anything out of my mouth, she was apologizing to me. She did NOTHING to apologize for! It seems like most of the conversation i have with casual strangers is them apologizing for nada, and me having to respond in some calming, condesending way. GRRRRRR!!!!

    Oh…the “bitch” word. I got an entire town of redneck men in N. Wisconsin angry with me, because they used that word towards “their women” endlessly, and i could tell what a toll it was taking. One night, in a bar, a gal was driven to tears by being called that. I told her, and her friends, that it was just an acronym for Babe In Total Control of Herself. For “witch”, substitute “woman” or “women”, if plural. It took a lot of the mens power away. They hated me so much i was pretty much run out of town.

    Also glad you brought up the “please/pleas” situation we have in our society. We’re just all so trained to be subservient and beholden from birth, i’m not surprised that we’re such easy pickings for those who laugh at us for being so “nice”.

    Thank you for your taking the time to do what you do.

    Have a ragingly good time!

  13. Ragel replied:

    Fuckin deadly Alex!!

    However I do myself like people to acknowledge I have stopped my big huge out there “get out of my fuckin way” truck to let them cross the road. but does that make me a Bitch when I yell out “your welcome”.?

    Feck I love sarcasim even if I can’t spell it!!

    What a fuckin weekend, with chopped up limbs, invisible people, torsos and some fucking dude who doesnt talk and hides behind trees WTF??

    Lots of love
    Road Ragel

  14. alex robinson replied:

    Thanks Doug, may the ‘pukeing’ continue in all its glory until we have cleared a path back to sanity :]
    Always good to see another kiwi on board.
    very best to you

    Cheers Ben!

    Rage on Michael!
    very best to you m’dear

    Extra chilli just for you Paulo :]

    Thanks Katherine,
    I did finally get that to make sense – but it was touch & go for a while … the alternative was truly frightening :)

    I think however we have found what to do with the magic word …

    t, thanks, that’s good to know

    Great quote ma-barian, I think that may be a crucial step forward – maybe that’s what the apocalypse is about – playing with some ideas for a wee follow up, so I’ll just stop here.

    very best to you

    Hi Max, I appreciate your honesty.
    I understand how you feel – I know the enormous pressure from multiple events & sources that had to build before I could push out the concrete plug that had sealed my personal volcano. Funny thing is I didn’t get mad or yell or anything, I simply reached a place of such hideous pressure that the cork shook free, the rage came slow, I prefer that rage, hot & fast burns out too quick, but when it’s slow you can use it, like a sail catches the wind – that wind = your rage, so you keep turning into it to power a new course – if that makes sense – if not I may have to refer you to Katherine’s earlier comment :]
    very best to you

    Kitty, my fucking pleasure :]

    Great point sundaemon, perhaps those who experience this are actually holding the last vestiges of human sanity alive.
    Cheers

    Oh capax, you are such a bitch! :]
    Excellent point on the apologising – it is indeed rampant – esp amongst women I think – so very sad & it does seem to be directly connected to the ‘being nice’ programme – nice people say sorry.

    One thing I had noticed in myself, once I started seeing niceness, was how I tried so hard to ‘understand’ people & make excuses for behaviour that was inexcusable – always seeking to find the best in people rather than accept that quite often the best had been & gone long ago. We have to see clearly where we are & who our travelling companions are if we are going to start making a move. It can be very hard to see others the way they are rather than the way we want them to be … if that makes sense, if not refer back to Katherine :]
    very best to you

    • capax replied:

      Having been brought up in a rather feral manner has it’s perks…one of them is understanding in an inner way that, ultimately, we have to trust in our instinct(s)…i have had to part ways many times from others who…um…didn’t have my well being on their “to do” list. It’s probably one of the trickiest lessons in this realm o’ gravity, IMO…growth and evolution and “newness” and “fun” vs. being held back by the fears and insecurities of others. Especially when they are given labels society/religion/TPTB say you’re supposed to “honor”…and you KNOW…from infancy…there’s not one thing “honorable” to be found behing the false fronts and facads.

      • capax replied:

        oops! forgot the “e” in “facades”…LOL! Such a strange code…”letter” over “spirit” is a large program in and of itself…and they DO kill them like that “jesus” guy who notices how subtle it is used to control and trap those that have to use their words to try to communicate some very opposing offerings…

        “narrow is the path”, and so many get swayed by the lingo o’ the gringo along the way…

        No words needed to trash a temple! :0

  15. Mat replied:

    This article brought to mind an old George Carlin bit. I know a lot of people consider him a “wanker”, and they may be right, but this bit still rings true to me (and dammit, I’m still a fan).

  16. alex robinson replied:

    Ah Ragel, greetings to my favourite stroppy bitch! Yes, challenging weekend was it not? You handled things amazingly, there’s certainly no flies on you – I think you know what I mean!

    What a great name, I wonder who came up with that?

    Sweet dreams, as I expect you’re reading this cos you can’t sleep! xoxo

    Thanks Mat – he was spot on! Like who you like my dear, if others don’t like it, you could try a generous application of option one or two (or both) :]

    very best to you

  17. Julie Conway replied:

    Hey Alex

    Thanking you for another brilliant article from the heart.

    Syns happening again with us. This week i ‘did my owl” ‘lost my temper’, went off like a feckin fire cracker’. And boy did it feel good. And this was at work. My fellow colleague Michelle who is a lovely, helpfull, always smiling, hard working gal and extremely straight (that’s Aussie for, doesnt swear, doesnt smoke, doesnt drink etc), was made redundant for no feckin good reason. I came to work to find the supervisors office door closed. About five minutes later, Michelle came out in tears, was marched off the premises, not allowed to say goodbye to anyone. I followed her through the building and when we got to the carpark we hugged and she was distraught,asking me why Julie why, i have done nothing wrong. Our supervisor did not give her a reason. Something inside me just snapped and when we had said our goodbyes i started shaking uncontrollably with a rage that consumed me. My big boss, the CFO, came looking for me. I was outside trying my hardest to roll a cigarette which is very hard when you are shaking. She could see how angry i was. I launched into a tirade about how badly Michelle was treated etc etc etc.
    The result of Michelle”s sacking is two fold. For me, i probably verbalised 6 feckin years of keeping my mouth shut with events that pissed me off to the max, similar to Michelle’s.
    For Michelle, maybe this was a sign for her (if she realises) that being nice, friendly and obliging is not necessarily going to guarantee a happy life.
    I too, until this year was so much like Michelle. I thought that if i was nice to everyone, went out of my way to please people, put myself last , that would put me in good stead for a happy uncomplicated life. Shit mate, when you have that attitude the universe or whatever you want to name it, has a way of knocking you on your arse to wake the fuck up. I am glad that i no longer think this way. I prefer to be genuine with others but especially with myself. If i come across as being a grumpy middle aged selfish bitch then so be it. Finally I feel comfortable in the skin i am in, even though, i am a bit of a slow learner, Only took my 48 years to work it out (grin).

    Sheeeeesh, and i just thought that i was grumpy because i was ‘going throught the change’ (menopause) LOL.

    Take care Alex, love to you and yours

    Julie :)

  18. Bec77 replied:

    Hi Alex,
    I have been quietly appreciating your blog for a while now, and sometimes feel ‘shy’ about commenting (even in the virtual world – cause I’m nice ;)), but this article spoke to me on many levels and I feel confident in responding/sharing.

    I am known as the ‘nice’ one in a few circles not because I’m inherently sweet, but because I thought (was taught) that is the best/right’nice’ thing to do/be.

    ‘Acting’ this way has not benefited my life or others in any way; I am not being true to myself or to those around me and because of this person I have created, have to continue this facade of the ‘nice’ girl at the expense of my mental health.

    I am also guilty of apologising profusely for absolutely no reason, and I am aware of it and it bugs me no end, yet I continue to do it, and hate myself for it. Just the other day in line at the post office quietly cursing the crap on display to buy (post offices now double as gift shops it seems), a women quite violently hit me in the back of my ankle with her pram – I turned and apologised to her like an idiot! It’s just a built in response, one I hope to shed immediately!

    This ‘nice’ persona of mine has been the greatest of burdens, and cost me many sleepless nights when I used to work in aged care for the homeless. Being the lackey for all because I couldn’t say “no” and having to be NICE even when treated so poorly almost cost me my sanity.

    On the odd rare occasions I do speak up or as my ‘real’ self, I shake, and feel sick and nervous, because I’m stepping out from behind my ‘nice’ shield and being real/honest – it’s something I must face/embrace.

    Your article was like a much needed slap in the face, which has woken me from where I was headed a while ago – on the path of being ME and not this fake persona.

    Truly, thank you Alex.

  19. alex robinson replied:

    Julie, capax & Bec77 thanks for your comments – you all made great points which stand on their own – apologies for not replying further but have currently got some heavy family issues to deal with & am exhausted.

    very best to you all & thanks once again

  20. the living tiki replied:

    Nope, not a bitch. Maybe you were once, I don’t know… I’m no expert like Dr. Phil.

    In my opinion you’re simply one of the few women on this planet who has decided to stop hating yourself. Maybe not exactly start to like or love, but definitely have shrugged off those particular patriarchal programming shackles. The ones who called you that haven’t allowed themselves the same compassion. (I really wish all women would do this – it’s why jerks and scumbags get laid, and why nice guys finish last into a kleenex.)

    Regardless, since the word “supreme” was jealously and tellingly added to the derision, it now means I have to shift my imagination’s conceptualization of the face and body behind your thoughts, words, and voice from the category of “attractive” all the way up to “hot” or quite possibly, “smokin’ hot” (when you want to be.)

    Go love yourself!

    Ongowa!

  21. lizajean replied:

    dearest alex – your posts are so provocative and inspiring…all i know is that we are incredibly resilient and everything we say and do is our legacy…i dealt with my justified wrath by trying to compensate for the sins of my fathers and thus spent (and i hate the word spent) decades being on the front lines as a loving teacher for aboriginal children on isolated reserves in northern canada…i knew that my precious students were going home to be raped and nobody would do anything about it…and i now realize that we were all coping with the same trauma on different levels…we are one, after all…and what is under assault is the individual in a world where our very thoughts NEED to be politically correct…the right brain is an orphan…imo the moment we see ourselves as males or females first we have fallen into the trap and our “selves” have been sabotaged…i suspect that the ego is directly connected to the genitals in a not so natural way…the trap has been very stealthily devised…”sex without reproduction and reproduction without sex” is the hallmark card compliments of the u.n….so we’re caught in this vortex where the journey of self discovery is perilous indeed…this is very painful and i take comfort in knowing that i am not insane and i’m not alone…hugs to you my sister

  22. alex robinson replied:

    Cheers living tiki, well I’ve certainly moved from the frying pan into the fire atm, but not in any sense like your comment :)

    Do you know that bitchiness comes not from women alone? Most men get ‘bitchy’, some get far bitchier than any women I’ve met. From what I can see, men get very bitchy towards women who do not behave towards them as they ‘should’ – from long discussions I’ve had with friends (of both sexes) this seems to stem from a fear that women who do not ‘do’ prescribed femininity want to usurp men, unman them or take their place – that is the biggest bunch of bollocks ever – I’m inclined to think that that is one of the most dangerous conspiracies on the face of this planet. Right now as I delve into my family past I see the destruction wrought because my grandmother was forced into a wifely/female obedience that destroyed her soul, she in turn handed it on to my mother – acceptance of the unacceptable in the name of ‘prescribed femininity’ is a crime – I’m wondering atm if that that was the original sin.

    oops sorry I didn’t realise I was standing on a soap box – I’m currently dealing with the cycles of trauma bursting out of my family closet – rant not aimed at you, just another scream of rage at the ‘enforced inhumanity’ that has been forced on humanity – I tell you those fuckers are going down – insert evil grin :]

    Many thanks lizajean, so sorry to hear your tale of yet more (cunningly crafted) inhumanity,

    I was impressed with your idea that the ego is connected to the genitals, a very provocative thought, esp with issues I’m currently dealing with from my family’s past – you’ve given me much food for thought!

    very best to you

  23. donna replied:

    Brava! A very healthy connection with the shadow. ;^)

  24. Shabs replied:

    I’m so glad I found this post today. Two weeks ago I was fired by an awful woman who gave me the excuse that I didn’t live near enough.

    So, being unexpectedly broke has harbored some serious resentment, and of course brought on all the programmed responses from those around me to just, ‘let it go,’ ‘don’t own it’, and ‘move on.’

    As yesterday was the autumn equinox, I knew I had to move on, but I wanted answers. Upon realizing that the only answer I’m going to get is that she is a crazy drunk bitch who had no reason to fire me, I finally called and left her a voicemail expressing that she is a crazy drunk bitch who is going to have a fucked up life if she continues to treat people this way and not accept her truth.

    The joyous vibrations in my body overwhelmed me and I was so happy and free after finally getting over the idea that I have to be nice. I can say what the fuck I need to say and move on. I’ve learned many times before that I can indeed express my anger, and that I should. But yesterday showed me the health benefits that come from speaking your truth.

    Your words today sealed the deal. Much love to you Alex.

  25. alex robinson replied:

    Donna, thanks – & sorry for taking so long to reply.

    Haha Shabs, I had to laugh – I understand & it’s funny because it would seem this counters your previous comment re the aikido vids, but I so get it.
    And sometimes you really have to speak out. I had this a number of times this year – if you keep it on board you know it’s going to damage you – there is this need we have to express:

    “express (v.)
    late 14c., from O.Fr. espresser “press, squeeze out; speak one’s mind”.”

    Sometimes we just have to squeeze the poison out, esp if time has passed & there is no chance of bringing that energy back to earth with the person who initiated it. One thing I have found is that there is no desire to give pain – I think so often the causing of pain hurts us, so we hold back & hold back – but not everyone feels like that.

    Earlier this year my son bought a van (long story) – the guy who sold it professed to be Christian & I think his heart was good, but the van broke down after a couple of weeks & ended up being scrapped for a fraction of the money paid. Because of the long story behind this we all just ‘accepted’, but then one day I thought ‘no’ I want to say something. I phoned & left a message on his mobile & never heard anything more. A couple of months later, when my mother was in hospital, she complained about a problem with her mobile phone. I took a look & noticed she had a couple of unheard messages. So I listened & there was me telling off the man who had sold the van. Somehow I had dialled her number. But it didn’t matter & I didn’t try again with him – the day I had ‘expressed’ my frustration was the day I released it.

    Thanks for your story

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