no this is not the big one

… it’s just
a small post …

revolving around
an event & thought
of today,
which may be of help
to a few minds.

The big article I’m working on currently has over 11,000 words – there’s no way anyone’s gonna read that, so I have to pare it down.

In the meantime let me tell you about my day.

My sister Rachel, & I went to visit our mother, in hospital. Those who read my blog will know that for the last couple of months she has been held in a secure ward in a psychiatric hospital.

As so often happens these days, Rachel & I had arrived at a similar decision …

… via separate routes.  We both wanted to approach our mother with too-long-avoided truths.  She never taught us to call her mum, so she has always just been Sybil to us.

Rachel wanted Sybil to understand the torment she put her neighbour through for the last 10 years. We have only come to know about just what she did, since her world fell apart two months ago. Miraculously he seems to hold no bitterness, yet his description of her as reminding him of “the mother in Psycho“, …

… spoke of volumes we had already read.

I wanted to go further than that & introduce Sybil to the warped-world she created in our childhood. A very different one to that which she holds in her head.

The route I traveled from this desire, & thence onto the decision to speak, was fueled partly by the exhaustion my sister & I have been suffering in trying to deal with her, on her level

The other reason was the remembering of a suggestion I once read – that after death we must face the traumas we did not heal, whilst alive.

My mother is an old woman now, fighting the world, but not winning any more. If this suggestion of after-life accountability is true, then what right had I to simply wait for nature to take its course without at least making the offering of honesty? What right had I have to hold my tongue when words spoken now might actually make a difference?

What would it be like if after death Sybil was finally made aware of the suffering she had created, but now had no chance to understand, or make amends?

What if hell is simply unfaced demons/trauma
& the pain of regrets?

Perhaps even more importantly for her is that she know that Rachel & I no longer hold grudges, that we seek no revenge.  This has nothing to do with any fucked up ideas of forgiveness either – if I had to try & ‘go back’ & forgive her I would be physically ill.

What has happened is that my sister & I are simply here & now relating to a very ill woman who needs our help – we care about what happens to her, while at the same time having the awareness that we cannot force ourselves to love her. And you know what, that is good enough.

The honesty imparted to Sybil today was deep, sincere & I would go so far as to say a work of beauty – no malice, no cruelty, no attack – we worded & re-worded it in ways she could hear – everything was geared to her, to help her create a ‘truer‘ map of reality – attempting to throw a bridge …

.. into her world of illusion/delusion, so that she may yet still walk out.

What do we do to ourselves & others when
we deny honesty
in order to keep a boat from rocking?

Day by day we must map out our reality for that’s how we work, yet if our coordinates are fucked & our roads in the wrong places, what chance have we of ever meeting up with other human beings or creating real connections?

When Rachel & I left Sybil today I swear her face looked cleaner / clearer. I have no high hopes that any great change occurred within her, yet I feel something very significant took place.

I played with a new thought beforehand, that helped me face Sybil today – hey its not easy facing the man/woman from Bates’ Motel.

The thought was this.

What if we relabelled our parents?

What would happen if we dumped the titles
& along with them the massive baggage attached,
& simply adopted the words
“sister” & “brother”.

In the recent podcast I did with Sinead & Fitzy called Trauma Culture, Sinead suggested that families are like cults.  I think she was spot on. Small, isolated units with often bizarre beliefs & rituals answerable to no one but the leader, be it male or female.

I would say that for the majority of people, the term older brother or sister conjures images of support, but also freedom to grow & develop – for these sisters & brothers…

… are also still growing & developing.

Hmmm … what would this relabeling
to religion?

Just what kind of a hold would God have had,
if he was known as
God the brother?

May 18, 2012. Uncategorized.


  1. Michael Skaggs replied:

    Wow Alex, I am very glad you and Rachel have met up even if it was via two different routes. Progress sounds like it’s being made, and that bridge is up to your mother to cross now that you’ve thrown it her way. Bravo.

    God the brother, what a concept! :-)

  2. Glad replied:

    Alex, I like yourself resolved to call my mother Cynthia (not her real name) at the early age of 10 although I had meditated on the thought for several years prior to this. I couldn’t call her mum because it just didn’t feel right, and I couldn’t call her “mother” in case she caught on and used it against me. After her death I felt a tremendous relief and great sadness of never having had a real mother. May I suggest Dr. Carl Wickland’s book Thirty Years Among The Dead, and The Dead Have Never Died by Edward C. Randall. Both available for free download on the web. Peace to you my fair brave sister.

  3. Johnny replied:

    I’d read 11,000 words of your stuff. Especially if there were pictures. I’ve always wondered how much time you spend finding pictures for your articles – they seem to fit so well.

    • alex robinson replied:

      Cheers Brother Michael
      Love to you as always :)

      I hear you Glad, I’m sorry for the pain you so obviously went thro’.
      What I’m finding now is that I can use the pain, all the trauma can be turned round to serve me & what I try & do here. I think that is what we are meant to do, harvest what we went thro, grind it up, add new understanding & passion then cook up a storm & gift it back to our brothers & sisters (as surely as we also gift it to ourselves).

      Thanks for the recommendations – the titles alone sing out loud & clear.

      very best to you sister.

      Don’t tempt me brother Johnny :]
      The pictures take an age.
      When I first started using pictures it was glorious – I was like a kid in a candy shop – unfortunately a symptom of our trauma culture is ‘obsessive possessiveness’ aka copyright – you can look but you dare not share without paying. So it takes a lot longer to find an (apparently) un-possessed picture that speaks – really sad because I often feel pictures ‘want’ to be a part of my articles – to be allowed to exist in a completely new way.


  4. Ragel replied:

    That was a great article sis, I guess I understand better than anyone else besides yourself of course. But I would definitely put it down to recommended reading for alot of people out there. xx

    • alex robinson replied:

      Thanks oh wise & wonderful Sister, that was much appreciated – as was your letting me scream upon the highway of stress today :)

  5. omalone1 replied:

    I do not even sympathise with the term “family” as the term victim unit, is more representative, in my own experience

  6. alex robinson replied:

    I hear you omalone1 – that was a brilliant comment – ‘victim unit’ is spot on for a great many people. I have been pondering more on this & it may appear in the future somewhere.

    very best to you

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