the unspeakableness

What follows is an excerpt from the journal of a former anorexic.

It’s why I will continue in the direction I am taking. This direction is for all humanity.

Everywhere I look I see so much pain being ignored, drugged, medicated. Everything is done to get rid of the symptoms but never to look for the roots.

What kind of a world are we going to leave behind, if we don’t take different steps?

What’s the worst, most traumatic experience?

the unspeakableness of my past and my always unheard words that won’t come to me –


… the NON-meaning of my pain and my life –  the no thingness, being a no thing, being a weight – no much, much worse – the word blindnesss – the way words won’t come , the way I can’t say what I need to say, so I can’t be heard – the stuckness in hell, if I can’t get someone to understand [then] it didn’t happenthe unheardness of the painthe holding it for so long till someone would hear


the weight of waiting – the agony that no one will hear me  – the shut outness – I can’t get the words to come – the terror and pain but no words – the nothingness of so much pain, so I can’t even feel the pain because the nothingness is in the way, I can’t see it because the nothingness is in the way, I can’t hear it because the nothingness is in the way – the nothingness tells everyone that nothing happened – the awful pain – emptiness –


… the nothingness of it, a huge hole, a huge hole in me and I’m just living round the edges – a huge hole all emptied out and blank – where is me? The blankness of so much of me and no one will see – where have I gone- what happened to me – where is me, why won’t they see the big empty pain, so fragile – all eaten away and it doesn’t matter, there’s hardly anything of me left – got eaten up, all eaten up – no ears to hear, no eyes to see, have to stay here & wait like the plant outside – eaten up, eaten away

Isn’t it about time we opened our ears & eyes up to the silent tragedy that so many people have to call ‘life’?

But it has to start with seeing & owning our own foundations. As long as we are blind to them, we cannot feel for anyone else & so we HAVE NO CHOICE but to stand by & allow abuse.

Talking of abuse & pointing fingers is only a way to pretend we are doing something.

So much more to come.

April 5, 2013. Uncategorized.


  1. Andy replied:

    I’ve been in that place. Thank you for sharing these words.

  2. alex robinson replied:

    Thank you for responding Andy. I am sorry for all you will have been through but could find no ears to hear. That is one of the biggest tragedies of our civilisation. Once we can speak of these things freely I think healing & change will follow swiftly.

    very best to you

  3. Kitty replied:

    Gosh Alex, what a sync this post was for me. Just this morning I was out driving in my Midwest University city and I saw ANOTHER new university “healthcare” building going up. It was called “Digestive Health Center”, and I thought ” wow, a lot more people are going to get sick and not heal”. We really can’t digest much anymore because it’s all covered with lies.

    My second thought was how much healthcare for the body is like healthcare for the mind. It’s all about denial of where the problem came from and all about trying to smash the sickness out with drugs. Whether its cancer or psychosis, we don’t care where it came from (it just “happened”, or it’s “genetic”) there’s no thought about the abuse of the environment which causes physical ailments or abuse of the individual which causes severe mental pain.

    I’ve thrown out so many books in the last few years because I see that they are all bull, but two writers that I keep coming back to as guiding lights (or guiding darks!) are Thomas Szasz who I’ve spoken of before. He nails the stupidity of psychiatry, although he doesn’t touch the cause of pain, still extremely useful. He was an atheistic Jew.

    The other writer is Ivan Illich, who wrote so much about, well, everything. He was a Catholic priest who was excommunicated for his liberation theology, and like Szasz, basically a pain in the ass to established institutions.

    Illich wrote “Medical Nemisis” in the 1970’s and it is as relevant today, or moreso than ever before. He also wrote about professions and institutions serving themselves before anyone else and that they take away our humanity. He tells the story of Christians in the 4th (?) century always having an empty room or bed for any poor soul who wandered by and had nothing. He then talks about how the church developed as an institution and created charities so that the individual no longer had to help other individuals and how that changed our relationship to each other.

    A long comment but I’ve wanted to share the ideas of these two men with you for some time. I hope people aren’t put off by Szasz because he is a Jew or put off by Illich because he was a priest.

    Lastly, I see that you slipped to the second tier of blog friends that the rebel had listed on his site some time ago. I see now that you are no longer listed at all. Congratulations! You must have really pissed him off.

    • alex robinson replied:

      Hi Kitty
      You just can’t beat people thinking & seeing for themselves – health must surely be rooted in that. These sound like wise men.

      Connected intimately with thinking & seeing must also be ‘feeling for ourselves’ – re-opening the channels to feeling that we shut down to survive as children – these are absolutely crucial to creating a healthy, & fabulously expansive, future.

      I wish the Rebel well, always have, I learned much from him & I believe I gave much in return.

      Until we reconnect with our emotions & see the terrible “tricks” played out on children by parents down thro’ all the ages of Poisonous Pedagogy we have no choice but to relive the past again and again.

      very best to you

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