yesterday

A few hours ago my mother died.

Those who have stayed with me over the last year or so, will understand that her death cannot be put into the social niceties box & dealt with in the accepted manner.

Already I have sinned greatly by not rushing to her death bed. I chose to stay true to the decision I took awhile ago. Also I was afraid – afraid that something of her might pass into me as she ‘left’ – & that, I would not condone.

Every time after I went to visit her over the last year, I would go to the beach & walk in the water, no matter what the temperature, to cleanse myself of her energy. I felt compassion towards her, but not ‘love’.

Earlier today I walked along the beach that had cleansed my spirit so many times. The sky was stormy. I took many shots which now have a kind of storied feel. It feels right to post them here. Without the shocking effects of my parents on my life, this blog would not exist.

I changed the settings on my camera at the end of the day, hence the strange colouring of the end picture.

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May 30, 2013. Uncategorized.

17 Comments

  1. Fitzy replied:

    You and I,
    My only friend,
    down at the beach,
    around the bend,
    pohutakawas,
    on a windy cliff.

  2. Kim Love replied:

    Alex, I feel and know where your coming from. You’re right not to put up a facade and a brave and strong woman for doing so.

  3. Michael Skaggs replied:

    Beautiful photos, and that daily cleanse has been a powerful source of regeneration and release. No looking back nor regrets of the past, for now you are the life creator.

    Cheers my friend

  4. shabsoasis replied:

    Alex, I thank you again for your brave and truthful approach with which you have shared your life story with us. I have even told people of your bold decision to walk away from your mother, and they are intrigued by the story. Not one person I know has ever heard of anything so groundbreaking as to walk away at that moment in ‘that person’s’ life. I don’t necessarily think I will have to break away from my family (mom, sister) in quite the same way, but you have given me the courage, and the voice to express to them that I don’t believe ours lives have to be so intermingled strictly because we are immediate family members. In fact, that makes all the more reason we should stay kinda far apart.

    I honestly don’t know how I would have approached life in this last year if it were not for your teachings, and that’s real talk.

    Also, I wanted to respond to your 42min conversation by telling you that you gave solid and wholehearted advice that anyone with an open mind should hear. So many times I have thought something was all good thanks to a huge sync, but turns out it was not the most productive path. One thing I understood, but disagree with…and that was your opinion of the power of the artist…

    I know most don’t know that they are expressing repressed pain through their work. But even in that not knowing they give us that momentary outlet and worldview that we so desire. Then, there are the rare artist, who work from spirit, and never think that what they are doing is anything more than trying to heal themselves, and maybe others. Those are the humans who create shifts for their brothers and sisters.

    Even though art may not ‘save us’ or ‘wake up’ the sleeping masses, it still does have the ability to help each of us move forward as growing souls.

    You, Alex, are an important artist. No matter how few or how many of us have been attracted to your work, each of us who have given you a thoughtful read or listen have been affected and ever changed by the thoughts you elaborate on. I thank you.

    • alex robinson replied:

      Thanks shabsoasis
      Last year I was with a group of woman listening to another woman tell a tale about her father, how he presumed to tell her his opinion & she had fired back “I don’t give a fuck what you think” – it was obvious she had told the tale many times, it was amazing the reaction to it, it was as if we were all in awe of her, stunned, – “you really said that to your FATHER”. Isn’t it funny how like little children we are when it comes to them & how often we feel we have no power – it was their JOB, the job of all parents to help their children be as strong as they can – instead so many of them turn into vampires.

      Maybe I have not been clear enough about ‘art’ – many of the thoughts come from Alice MIller’s amazing observation.

      I honour art – that is why Fitzy & I started up Humanizenz – it was a question of ‘what will we do when we have created the world we want’ – if we stay stuck in fault-finding or fix-it mode we will be one more lot of ‘revolutionaries’ who gain control & recreate the same old system. We have to develop our ability to create while we are healing / seeing more clearly. We have to develop real skills.
      Also yes I use my ‘art forms’ as a method of personal healing, but I’m attempting to make them conscious healing, rather than letting the pain speak without my awareness – hopefully that makes sense.

      very best to you

  5. Barb replied:

    My husband’s mother passed in this January. Only her 2 sons saw her in the final days, while her daughters could not bear to be near her because of the toxic history and mainly because of her unpredictable behaviour. I don’t think my mother-in-law cared to tell the truth and ironically, she didn’t have anything to do with her own mother in the final years too. There is something about staying clear of the curse too even though my sisters-in-law are not near where you are in understanding. Maybe they can start now that she’s gone.
    Your pictures show me an individual in healing, moving through a memory using the energy of the water and giving us all some relief with these thoughts.
    Thank you.
    Barb

    • alex robinson replied:

      Thanks for your thoughts Barb & your willingness to engage with this topic. Your story adds fuel to this necessary fire.

      very best to you

  6. Max replied:

    You broke this circle of death.

    Allong this path of life.

    I hear you, for real.

    Really hear you.

    From my side.

    To life.

    • alex robinson replied:

      Max, I am so touched by the meaning of your words & their beauty – thank you

  7. libyansibyl44 replied:

    there was One

    and then there were two—

    me and you,

    never separated

    only perceived to be.

    there was a best part of you

    and she is me.

    go on.

  8. alex robinson replied:

    thank you sibyl, I will take your words to describe the ‘little self’ who once was me, but was decimated by her mother – the little self I now choose to reconnect with.

  9. persephone replied:

    Blessings to you.Thank you for everything. Your blog is an inspiration and so…parallel for a lot of our lives. Thank you for putting into words, for being that channel for the information that we all need to become more aware of Our reality. You really give me hope and the courage to just feel what I feel without any shame or guilt. Thank you for that. Remember to breathe deep

  10. empoweredbyknowledge replied:

    Alex, when my mother died about +15 years ago, I cried from relief and sadness at the same time. Sadness that she would never be able to correct the mistakes, relief for not having to try any more. I didn’t attend her funeral either.

  11. alex robinson replied:

    Thank you persephone, it does my heart good to know that this place offers you air to breathe without guilt & shame.

    Children cherish & seek relationship with their parents – if there is a dam of emotion there, it was not built by the child. Until we can face the truth of our individual realities we are stuck recreating them, often that means treating our children, our bodies or others as ruthlessly as we were once treated. I think this is the foundational truth of our civilsation & our world – from what I can see at present, all other ‘truths’ are second to this.

    very best to you

    Thank you empowered, I’m sure your honest speaking reaches others as well as myself. Once we see that others can do what we fear, we are able to take heart.
    I will not be going to my mother’s funeral – I choose not to take part in a requiem mass that binds her to a god or religion I want nothing to do with.
    My life had no effect on her but I exist nonetheless & I choose to go on doing what I can to bring ‘life’ back to my body & to this world.

    very best to you

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