are you ok?

I got up very early this morning …

early rise

… planning to finish part ii
of my Unity article.

Instead I found an email in my inbox from a good man,


… Ellis Taylor,
asking if I was ok because I hadn’t written anything
for awhile.

I owe a debt to Ellis.

Back in 2008, before toolonginthisplace was up and running he made a comment that women needed to step up & begin speaking out. That little sentence was the last little push I’d needed to get me going. Up till then I’d hesitated from a feeling that women weren’t welcome on the ‘truth’ scene.

The other day Matt Delooze, another man from my early writing days posted a parable (he too has been silent for a long while).

For me this created a small constellation-relationship which I am choosing to meet with this article.

Although I have not been very productive in this place over the last year, I have been on a path of immense growth & change.

I have been learning how to do ‘relationship’.

I have learned that everything, absolutely everything in this world …


… is about relationship.

How we are in relationship with each other & with this plane. How relationship has been pushed & pulled & crushed & fucked up & how because of that we have become puppets that jiggle & twitch to others tunes. (Stay tuned for part ii of Unity Dismembering)

I believe that if we can embrace & re-learn what relationship is, we can change the course of the world.

So I would like to answer Ellis & offer some thoughts that I hope will be of use.

First off I am ok. In many ways I am more ok now than at any other time in my life.

Last year I chose to ‘reset’ my life.

Up till then I’d had a black belt in suffering, povertying & being alone.

I’m pretty sure you have a similar kind of belt.

The underlying structure we live in makes it so.

It has worked like this for eons:

Vast numbers of children being born into …


… cruel conditions without the support or kindness they need. Yet the very nature of childhood means that they are also filled with vast quantities of life (which it is impossible for them to stifle.) 

So they have to find ways to let all that life out – or they’d go crazy.

Thus they re-frame their cruel worlds into an adventure game where they can be the hero. They make up rules that allow them to change the perception of the ugly hand they have been dealt (as well as to protect perpetrators & traitors).

Turning ‘their lot’ into a game makes perfect sense because games …


… are what children do best. The child’s new & improved world allows them a sense of power & mastery. It gives them a world that finally makes some sense.

This spectacular re-framing has allowed countless children for countless centuries to reach adulthood reasonably intact.

Sadly from then on this same survivor-adventure story dooms them because it does not have a built-in self destruct button once its goal is achieved – Elvis never leaves the building & the fat lady never sings.

My childself adventure plan allowed me to be the hero of pain tolerance – whether physical, mental emotional or spiritual.

Because I could do pain so well, my superpower was to not only endure my own pain but also take on that of every person I cared about. My childself decided …


… to take up arms against all that caused of suffering,
especially lies.

I didn’t grasp the destructive implications of childself stories when I chose to ‘reset’ last year – I just knew that my old world was a cold & brutal place & it was killing me. I was really tired from trying to save the world while neglecting myself. So I upside-downed & inside-outed my life by spending three months in the States. This was a real challenge for me.

Where I had, for so long, lived alone I chose to enter a relationship. Where I had lived so poorly, for so long, I chose to live rich. Living rich is far harder than you might think & well worth a future article.

I see now that what I have been doing over the past year and a half is dislodging my childself’s …


… survivor-adventure game.

That game was hard-wired into every part of me – mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally.

Just as your childself’s survivor-adventure game is hard-wired into you.

What’s required now is to unlearn our childself game strategies & learn new ones. We’ve stayed too long in the womb of the past & it’s killing us.

Why are made to engage in remembering the past over & over?remembering alseep

Is it for the same reason that
every avenue to life is blocked or detoured?

Because each & every ‘living’ human
is as unstoppable as
a herd of stampeding buffalo …


…  all you can do is get out of their way.

The pathetically weak forces that run this world know all about this.

Their only strength lies in the fact that
they are about …

half a day

… half a day ahead of us.
And that’s all.

We are so close to them, yet they’re just that little bit ahead of us.

That’s why they can’t rest for a moment. That’s why programming has to be done 24/7 on every level from entertainment to food to pharmaceuticals to schooling to family programming to wage-slaving & on & on.

When humans begin to …


… unhook from the past
their wildness begins to stir.

We’ve got to get our wildness stirring again.

We have to remember we are grown up now & all sorts of freedoms & knowledge are available to us now. We don’t need the childself survivor game any more.

And truth be told
it’s downright boring.

What isn’t boring
is our future potential.

Yes these are scary times – but so was childhood. If we survived that we can absolutely navigate any current minefields.

So this past year I have been working consistently with learning to be in real relationship to life – in many different ways. Without relationships we are empty shells. We come alive through a miriad of relationships & that is why Unity is so destructive.

My childself superpower involved a total lack of relationship – it was all about ‘going it alone’. Sometimes the feel to go back to being alone can beckon like a drug. But I can no longer ignore the real pain that comes with that survivor-adventure story – & I am now able to see it is no longer necessary for my survival.

I think it is vital to find out what rules run your personal …


… childself survivor-adventure game.

My childself survivor story also featured a huge pay-off. If I kept going it alone & taking on everyone’s pain there would come a day when all I had endured, all the people I had ‘saved’ from suffering, every last drop of pain would be acknowledged & honoured. There would be a true heroic recompense.

What rewards you factored in to your story?
Because all adventure stories have to lead to treasure you know.

That treasure is the child’s version of heaven.
Yet it is a dream.

A dead dream.

As long as we keep holding out for that dream (& I know so many who are) things can never be ok in our lives.

Are you ok?

July 14, 2015. Uncategorized. 22 comments.