In the book Missing Our, Adam Phillips recommends,

” frustration as the essential preparation for desire, as the precondition for its flourishing & for the possibility of there being some satisfaction”.

That would be nice.

Today I am so (non-sexually) frustrated.

I am so frustrated with people who don’t seem to be able to choose to live or who willingly waste their lives.

I am frustrated also because I am one of them.

I am tired of all the answers out there.

I am tired of all the stupidity.

And I am tired of the willing walk to death that so many are on.

Today I made a stand.

I visited my father in the nursing home where he … ahem lives now. I walked into the darkened room he spends almost all his time, complaining about stomach pains that no test has found a reason for – almost certainly TMS.

I did try to be sympathetic and listen to the usual selfish drivel.

Oh my god you can’t say that about your father.

I just did. (Farewell to a number of readers)

Then I tried up-front honesty pointing out that he might live for another five years.

I passed on the ideas I have contemplated for some time that our most important parenting role comes after our children have left home because who we become then, when we are free to become what we choose, is the true inspiration (or expiration) of their future.

I also suggested that we do not know what comes after death. Is there really such a thing as resting in peace or do we have to deal with everything we ran away from?

For five seconds he seemed to hear then back to the drivel & judgement of other people.

And then enough was enough.

I stood up told him I could not stand by & pretend. Expressed my regret that he was choosing death, thanked him for what he has done for me & took my final leave of him.

My apparent heartlessness still has one hope that he might be able to use hate energy to kick-start that cold heart of his. But when there’s nothing more you can do, there’s nothing more you can do.

I have been reading Turning Pro by Steven Pressfield and he talks of how so many of us live shadow lives instead of bringing what we are & what we do out on to the stage of life despite ourfears.

My biggest fear has been of being left alone because of my big mouth. Seeing the look of terror or revulsion when it goes to work … but its what I do!

So many have benefited from this mouth or the words it creates in articles or real life, so who am I to deny that for the selfish fear of being alone.

Later I felt guilty about how I spoke to my father, yet the words I spoke to my father were FOR him & for these people who I have called family.

So I thought about this gift of mine, this big mouth & I decided fuck it, I will stand by its words, I will stand by its power & I will keep doing this work no matter how fearful it gets. I know there are people out there who need someone with a big mouth to speak up just for a little till they get their own big mouths up & roaring.

So I am here for you.

What is your frustration & what is the desire behind it?




March 25, 2018. Uncategorized.


  1. Brigitte replied:

    So true what you wrote. Thank you! Best Wishes!


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