the curse of knowing

As a fellow truth seeker, I’m guessing you want to know many things.

Indeed you…


…itch & burn to understand so very much.

But what if I told you that all the knowledge you are amassing is destroying you?

Scary eh?

And what if I told you I had discovered an antidote.

Would you be willing to hit the
Toolonginthisplace Buy Now button

bye now

  for a mere

What is truth worth to you?

What is knowing worth to you?

What price would you be willing to pay. Because there is a price, an exchange, that needs to be made to stop the rot.

Actually it will cost you way more than $199.99 if you want to know.

In truth it will cost you the rest of your life,
though in a …

no sale

… non-sell your soul kind of way.

You see something devilishly tricky sticky has been done to the words we live by.

Words that don’t belong together have been bonded forming a mind glue that has been nigh on unbreachable.

Just as the unbreakable thread Gleipnir was forged of impossible ingredients to hold …


… the monster wolf Fenrir until the end times, so too the English language has been used to forge forged diabolical concepts from irreconcilable ideas.

The offspring of these incestuous unions created …


… monstrous children that now roam the world voraciously devouring the minds they inhabit.

When incompatible species mate, monsters are created.

We’re going to take a look at the ogres of truth that were …


… created when knowing …


… was inseminated with proving.

First we need to see what was once true, etymologically speaking, as opposed to what it has become:

true (adj.) Old English triewe …”faithful, trustworthy, honest, steady in adhering to promises, friends, etc.,”

truth (n.) Old English triewð … “faith, faithfulness, fidelity, loyalty; veracity, quality of being true; pledge, covenant

“Sense of “consistent with fact” first recorded c. 1200; that of “real, genuine, not counterfeit” is from late 14c”

… and what was trust

trust (n.) c. 1200, “reliance on the veracity, integrity, or other virtues of someone or something; … from Old Norse traust “help, confidence, protection, support,” …”comfort, consolation… from PIE root *deru- “be firm, solid, steadfast.”

trust (v.) c. 1200, from Old Norse treysta “to trust, rely on, make strong and safe

So truth was once all about qualities, directions & …


… pointers to a way of being & living.

Truth lay with the individual as something to strive towards consistently, by the day, hour & minute. It was the developmental task of a lifetime.

It is interesting to note that,

“English and most other IE languages do not have a primary verb for “speak the truth,” as a contrast to lie”

Why is that?

When ‘truth’ has been made almost a god in this world, why does it not have its own action hero?

Because the truth we seeking is, in actuality, a monster.

It was born of trying to prove what is unknowable. It was born of the belief that such a thing is desirable and or possible.

It is not.

Today I suggest we have to STOP knowing things before …


… our brains are taken over.

We have no right or ability to KNOW anything at least not as we have been taught. It’s one of the biggest mind-fucks at work in this place.

School was about implanting this idea in our heads & getting us to live by this lie.

What is knowing really about? Try these on:

notice, perceive, realize, recognize, see, discern distinguish

These are working words.

Working with the reality of things, taking the t-i-m-e to build a connection, yes to attempt to understand a little more but with the realisation that we actually ‘know’ fuck all, always have, always will.

But that doesn’t stop us from doing our best to be with what we are doing or who we are with.

Currently what happens is that we are cursing each other & everything we come in contact with, with our ‘knowing’.

Because we have equated knowing with proving.

And proving is all about solidifying & …


… cementing into place.

prove:  substantiate  fix  manifest  settle

The ogres we have created in our minds are the ones that meet those we come in contact with. They are the ones who engage in the daily activities that we step away from because we think we already ‘know’ this thing or that, this person or that. We vacate our premises and allow the monsters to act in our stead.

And don’t they do a great job?


How does it work?

Think of a lovely …


… fresh flowing stream.

As soon as we begin to ‘know’ something, a small dam begins to build. Slowly twigs get caught, then leaves & branches & flotsam & before long a jam has occurred. With jams the natural flow has been interrupted & …


… the water gets stagnant. Mosquitoes appear, things decay. It’s not pretty.

If you & I were to meet things would start off fresh.

But slowly the need to know sets in, in accordance with the mindset of knowing-proving that we live by.

We would set out to solve each others mystery, fix each other in our minds, be sure of each other, figure each other out, get a picture of each other, figure out if we can trust each other & how much. Once the picture is painted & the image sealed, then the curse goes to work.

When I know you and
you know me,

lock-down occurs.

No new information or updates will be allowed. I will hold you to be the person I NOW know you to be & vice versa.

This same procedure applies to all the information, ‘knowledge’ & answers we know.

There is a force at work here, do not underestimate it, even though it’s invisible. It comes into action in our words, look, gestures & moulds the other person into who we now KNOW they are. We have an image of them, a map of them & this force will use us to make them conform to this image.

This force has the same power & unstoppability as…


… a freight train at full speed.

It’s no wonder we need a variety of friends so we can be all the people we are instead of the one version we are forged & forced into when we are known.

It’s no wonder we can’t stop trying to help, save or educate people on ‘the truth’.

This is nothing to do with blame.

Its digging deep into the shite that covers us & prevents us from living differently & effectively.

Used wisely, knowing would actually be like the truth of old truth.

It would be a way of being & living. And it’s job would be to know we can know nothing. All we can seek to do is strive to better understand about not knowing.

You see everything here is paradoxical.

It’s really the most amazing thing … & as frustrating as fuck.

If you want to know, you have to not know. And you have to keep working, steadfastly to not know.

Here’s a simplistic example of how it currently (doesn’t) work:

You want to make a cake. So you go the pantry and find a cake then blend up the cake, pour it into a baking dish & cook it. Hey presto a cake.

In reality if you want to make a cake you take the strangest of ingredients that have little in common with each other. You mix them up the way THEY NEED to be mixed up and bake them according to what THEY NEED to transform them into a cake.


Only if you follow this paradoxical procedure, will you end up with cake. Or anything else for that matter.

Herein lies the essence of real knowing.

It’s about learning what other people, situations, objects need to receive or how they work best. Then you cater to that, or supply that. And then you also get what you need.


We cannot know the mystery of people & things, without desecrating or destroying them in the process.

Science kills & dissects…

death knows

… to know.

This is how we have also been trained.

We can know only as much as we are willing to not know, not kill, not cut up, not demystify.

Because knowing
is an experience
not a fact.


March 26, 2018. Uncategorized. 10 comments.


In the book Missing Our, Adam Phillips recommends,

” frustration as the essential preparation for desire, as the precondition for its flourishing & for the possibility of there being some satisfaction”.

That would be nice.

Today I am so (non-sexually) frustrated.

I am so frustrated with people who don’t seem to be able to choose to live or who willingly waste their lives.

I am frustrated also because I am one of them.

I am tired of all the answers out there.

I am tired of all the stupidity.

And I am tired of the willing walk to death that so many are on.

Today I made a stand.

I visited my father in the nursing home where he … ahem lives now. I walked into the darkened room he spends almost all his time, complaining about stomach pains that no test has found a reason for – almost certainly TMS.

I did try to be sympathetic and listen to the usual selfish drivel.

Oh my god you can’t say that about your father.

I just did. (Farewell to a number of readers)

Then I tried up-front honesty pointing out that he might live for another five years.

I passed on the ideas I have contemplated for some time that our most important parenting role comes after our children have left home because who we become then, when we are free to become what we choose, is the true inspiration (or expiration) of their future.

I also suggested that we do not know what comes after death. Is there really such a thing as resting in peace or do we have to deal with everything we ran away from?

For five seconds he seemed to hear then back to the drivel & judgement of other people.

And then enough was enough.

I stood up told him I could not stand by & pretend. Expressed my regret that he was choosing death, thanked him for what he has done for me & took my final leave of him.

My apparent heartlessness still has one hope that he might be able to use hate energy to kick-start that cold heart of his. But when there’s nothing more you can do, there’s nothing more you can do.

I have been reading Turning Pro by Steven Pressfield and he talks of how so many of us live shadow lives instead of bringing what we are & what we do out on to the stage of life despite ourfears.

My biggest fear has been of being left alone because of my big mouth. Seeing the look of terror or revulsion when it goes to work … but its what I do!

So many have benefited from this mouth or the words it creates in articles or real life, so who am I to deny that for the selfish fear of being alone.

Later I felt guilty about how I spoke to my father, yet the words I spoke to my father were FOR him & for these people who I have called family.

So I thought about this gift of mine, this big mouth & I decided fuck it, I will stand by its words, I will stand by its power & I will keep doing this work no matter how fearful it gets. I know there are people out there who need someone with a big mouth to speak up just for a little till they get their own big mouths up & roaring.

So I am here for you.

What is your frustration & what is the desire behind it?




March 25, 2018. Uncategorized. 2 comments.

minti mud fossils

Thanks to Minti for bringing mud fossils into play here.

After watching a link that Michael sent, I set out on a hunting expedition to a cove where I had once thought the rock formation looked like a claw/paw.

Doing my best not to get fixated on proving anything & hoping you’ll do the same, here are some photos for fun & wonder.

I see …


a giant tortoise?

Cut tendon?

‘organ-ic’ shapes?


fallen dino?

blood & guts?

Liver or lung?


muddy feet

March 11, 2018. Uncategorized. 3 comments.

oh your god!


“So, my dear, how do you deal with self-hatred?”

Dear Mick, (& let’s face it, the rest of us),

There’s good news & bad news.

Let’s start with the bad, because it sells better.

We hate ourselves because of
certain opinions
we developed about ourselves

far away


These opinion of ourselves
have evolved into our personal gods.


And you know what the appetites of gods are like.

Today I am presenting ideas from the (highly recommended) book Identity (Robert Fritz & Dr Wayne Anderson), cooked in my own style with extra spicy ingredients.

Now let’s get down and dirty.

We pretty much all have opinions of ourselves that are
so (personally) heinous …


… that we have no choice but to create
their ideal opposites …


… just so we can live
with “ourselves”.

If I have the opinion that I am a ‘bad’ person, I will spend my life working to show that I am its ideal opposite – a ‘gooood’ person. All my actions will be based on proving what a good person I am.  I probably won’t even be aware of any of this.

Now I want to take this one step further & introduce an even tougher mix.

If we are many selves & these selves have different histories (as per The People You Are – Rita Carter), then what if a number of our selves have heinous opinion issues?

It would be no wonder that life
is so hard & messy &
we often seem to act
downright weird.

I personally worked with Robert Fritz’s wife to uncover my opinion of myself & it was really useful.

However I was also left with another opinion that I couldn’t make disappear. It was something that repeatedly came up for me. Only now by considering that we are multiple selves & that some of these selves may have distorted opinions can I make sense of this other point of view which I couldn’t find a home for.

Let’s say you have seven selves & two or three have serious opinion issues, doesn’t that start to make sense why you are often such a nut job and can seem so inconsistently triggered by a strange variety of things?

The really bad news is that by running from these …


opinions of yourself
& basing your entire life around
forcing yourself to live up to …

man of the west

their opposite ideals,
you have




into gods.

And gods as you know, are immortal.

So you need to understand that you cannot kill these suckers off. Ever.

We might say that, in a nutshell you’re fucked, locked into a game you can’t win by ideas about yourself you didn’t even know existed.

Now the good news.

Outside of that nutshell …


… there’s another world.

You see the things about god’s is that they are not based in reality.

These opinions of yours are not based in reality, which is why they can’t be killed off.

Struggling against them just feeds them.
Camouflaging them with ideals just feeds them.

Understand that you have made them immortal in your world.

Yet they have no concrete reality, they are paper tigers.

However these paper tigers are powered by your sense of Identity.

When you make life all about …

about you


back again

So we have to find a way to be ok with our true opinion of ourselves. And believe it or not it doesn’t matter what you think of yourself, this has no effect on you creating a life you’d be proud to show off, even while cringing about your supposed lacks as a person.

If I have the opinion that I’m an idiot I can have a good life.

If you think you are worthless and can’t have a good life.

You just have to take yourself out of the equation & stop making life about you & how other people see you. Instead you put your time, energy and focus on the outcomes in life you want.


Now let’s bring in another necessary ingredient.

I asked you last time what message did you receive from your parents / family?


What was the overall sighed-message about your darned existence.

The reason was as follows.

Brain scanning research was done on a group of people. First they were asked to think of themselves and a certain part of their brain lit up. Then they were asked to think about a stranger. A different part of their brain lit up

The third time they were asked to think about their future selves. Now for quite a lot of them the area had lit up when they thought about strangers, lit up again. This means they imagined their future selves as a stranger.

Holy fuck!

That’s really scary.

Because we either don’t care about …


or fear,

We certainly don’t create our life with them in mind. Yet this is exactly what we need to be doing.

So what answer did you come up with for that parental reaction to your existence. You may find that that is how you address your future self.

As an example my future self has always been a nuisance. When current me has to do something for this future self …


… it’s ‘such a nuisance’. It feels like a ‘waste of time’.

Yet I have the best photo in the world of me holding my newborn son, & I think it was because then I had a future to work for.

We must regain our futures. We must work for our futures.

Identity is so much about me-now.

If we see our future selves as strangers we are not going to engage with them, yet I think it is they who can save us.

A little extra to finish.

I have been considering that we may actually be born with our selves in place. That they make up the very structure we think is us, just as different organs make up our body.  When we are young we are happy with our selves & give all full expression


… no matter what they were like.

However because we grow up in a society that is inhuman, these selves did not receive the nourishing experiences they sought.

Gradually we accepted society’s views that we were just ‘one’ person & so denied these selves the right to their own existence. Imagine denying your …


… liver or intestines their existence.

Part of this was done by making our selves embarrassing & personally painful.  Ideals (which as we know are impossible to achieve) were forced on us, & we began to fault our ‘selves’ for not making this impossible grade.

Why might that programme of selves-devaluation be in place?

Perhaps because these selves have powerful gifts and abilities.

I have a bad/bold mouth that I spent a lifetime trying to keep shut because it burned people with truth and then I was left alone. Long ago I learned to despise that mouth, that speaker, for the pain she caused me. Why couldn’t she speak the way other people did so I could be liked & popular.

That’s how twisted this can all become & why we need to check what we are shunning.

Another possibility is that a gestalt of selves may be required …

all pieces.jpg

… to activate particular abilities unique to each of us, even though some of these selves may be less than likeable.

Here’s an example.

I remember Matt Delooze talking about an ayahuasca ceremony he took part in. He was told that while some of the people seemed like a bunch of self-centred pains in the ass, they nevertheless carried the required symbolism to make the ritual a success.

So what if the personal aspects of ourselves that we really don’t care for actually carry a symbolism/energy that can allow the other selves to fully activate the gifts they have.

What if the ones we hate are necessary pains in the ass?

~  ~  ~


February 19, 2018. Uncategorized. 15 comments.

posing another question and responding to your hate mail

When I posed the question …


… about your three favourite hates, it was for a reason.

I’m guessing that one or two of your hates may have been a little surprising to you.

Nevertheless, if you did the work, I’m pretty sure you will have found a commonality in these ‘heinous’ people that may have been …


… surprising.

If you haven’t guessed already, your answer was, of course, about you.

About a self of yours that has ..


… diplomatic immunity.

A self that was once very necessary but now wreaks havoc
because it is no longer needed i.e.

grew up

… you grew up.

You continually protect this self by denying its existence in you while at the same time despising it in others. Obviously if you scorn & revile something you couldn’t possibly have such a characteristic, could you…?

You also create an idealised opposite as extra proof of not having or being this thing. (Thanks to Robert Fritz for this).

Aren’t you clever!

Now the nature of the structure in which we live always requires a fool to get the ball rolling.

fools cap

Luckily I do have access to a fools cap, so will get things underway.

What I ‘found’ & despised in my-self was a sneer.

I can remember exactly when and where I first adopted this sneer.

It was on a bus on my way home from school when I needed a shield/mask to hide behind after one too many humiliations.

The sneer came from an actress on tv.


To me she exuded invincibility, imperturbability and indestructability. I felt I needed this ‘look’ to prove that no one could hurt me. For some reason this has been one of my strongest driving forces.

While it may have worked, it has long outlived its usefulness.

Not only that it has caused pain to my body. The sneer has become a part of my musculature, in the same way that many of us have held-in guts from the fear of belly fat or the illegal lack of abs. The things we despise ‘live’ in us, that’s why we need to choose and then re-choose, wisely.

So …


… who do you hate?  And where are they working with immunity in your life?

Now let’s add a further question to ponder.

What overarching message did you receive from your parents/family? What did they tell you/imply over & over?  You may have forgotten about it or dismissed it but it lives in you.

What was the most common pronouncement, delivered matter-of-factly about you, probably with a sigh? Never underestimate the power of a sigh to turn shite into concrete.

The answer to this will be used in the next article to help clear out …


… some important closet space.


February 11, 2018. Uncategorized. 5 comments.

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